I hold my feeling to keep steady. To not stand on the extreme side, being too happy or too sad.
Perhaps I’m forcing it to be still, to keep me on the middle spot, the breakeven point. But this certain point somehow bores me. I don’t feel anything. I’ve got no desire to love or to hate.
Perhaps I placed a strong magnet below the middle spot. Once the point moves to the right or left side, it’ll be back to the middle right away. The priorities I’ve set became vague, even to the simplest thing, makes me feel and think in perplexed.
Perhaps I’m just tired. Tired of all the things that happened. Tired of all the worries I’ve been keeping. Tired to think, tired to feel. The tiredness arises from the unconscious to the conscious.
My narrow eyes got narrower. Now they got two bags under them to shop more sleep and more tears. But the shop often ran out of tears stock before they got chance to buy any. So the eyes feel a lil’ bit irritated and decided to buy more sleep and steal some energy.
I’m happy yet sad. Happy because I’m okay and surrounded by good people and good coincidence, etc. Sad because I don’t know. Though deep down I know who to love and who to avoid, but right now I see them as equal. I usually give my time, words of affirmation, or physical touch to people I care about. But this time, I don’t have any. I’ve used it all to indulge myself in this stressing phase. That’s why lately, I prefer to show my affection and respect through giving simple gifts. But for a special one, it’s a lil’ bit special too. Because it needed effort and thoughtfulness to create a meaningful gift. My 5 love language order has changed, this is new to me.
Perhaps, I should go to the tears factory to ask for customized one. I think I need to cry in this lack of feeling. I need to lock myself up among the crowds. I’m imagining a plate of colorful nutritious foods as my lunch, but I don’t feel like chewing anything. My body feels heavy, but my head feels light as hell. I want to end this blandness.