Past is a Part of Oneself

At this hour (01:51) I still can’t sleep even after a long day of commuting from Jatinangor at 06:55 to SCBD, met Happy5 folks, ate Soto Taman Mpu Sendok my love from last year, went to LINE Indonesia to meet an appointment, wandered in Grand Lucky, walked back to Happy5 and work some things out till 16:45, took TransJakarta to BKN, then sat in Primajasa Ekonomi AC back to Jatinangor and arrived at 21:04. Wait… It was still going on with waited for angkot ngetem until 22:00 and finally made decision to take an ojek instead (what the hella I paid 5x more expensive than taking an angkot). Took a warm shower then placed some of my things in a box.

Well, what I want to say is I love how Kak Afu thinks about how past, childhood especially, shapes us. By being aware of past’s involvement in shaping our behavior, traits, and thinking, somehow we tend to accept it easily because we just can’t change how our past went. We only can control the present with our doings to make new beautiful past for tomorrow, that simplified by anonymous into a quote “Do something today that your future self will thank you for.” Which is a quote I find inspiring since 2012 and motivates me to keep on going, learning, planning, and dreaming.

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The Woman and The Man

They met at the usual meeting point they had agreed since they were still a sweet young couple without any wedding rings. In which era they are talked about, they had three children. That night, they walked through the usual path, crossed the same street to a group of night street food stalls near a train station. A set of shrimp Dim Sum and a bowl of Chinese chicken porridge would be the best choice they had made after a tough day in each other’s office. Worked in the offices along one of the busiest roads in The Capital City, exhausted was just a day-to-day condition that already felt like normal. After smiles over a silent dinner, they took the last train that programmed as an express train to the destination station in a suburb.

The train wasn’t as crowded as it usually was when the day still bright. Compared to the moon’s shift, scheduled as the last train, and not many people headed the same direction, there should not be odd to find less than ten passengers in each coach. Worn out faces were shown every night, the draw of energy-loss after a day long of working with different work-load. So did the woman and the man was looked. What made them different were they hugged each other in serenity, shut their eyes with rhythmical breath at the corner.

The officers had already recognized their usual habit, as The Woman always awoke two stations before the destination station, placed her palm on The Man’s chest to wake him up subtlely. They got ready, checked on their things to be safely placed in their bags. They started to chat as they were walking to a black shining mid-sized SUV, easily recognized as the full moon up there reflected on the hood.

Their chats mainly about the day they had gone through, about the reason why their day went good or bad. Especially that day was about the increase in the currency rate that caused typical chaos of problematic customers. The woman had to handle some customers and coordinated the problems to another division that specialized in foreign exchange. The man had to meet some of the boards in his preparation for the promotion that would be held in three days.

A broken-white house with orchid and bougainvillea on the yard had already seen from afar. The shades were created by porch’s warm lamp and bright street light nearby. They reached the outside garage, parked, then left inside the house. The living room was quiet, as their children had gone to bed at 9 pm. They open the first child’s blue-pink room, looked at the three little rascals were sleeping on a low-bedded room. Thanks to the brand new air conditioner got from a giveaway in the newly open home appliance store.

They stood on the front door and smiled, wished for the time to frozen still as they felt like everything was already perfect. They got good careers, problems solved easily, cute and well-attitude children, physically and financially healthy, cushioned facilities, and every other thing that made them feel blessed.

They took off from the first child’s room, headed to theirs. Changed clothes and cleaned up, crawled to bed and cuddled. Too tired to do more than that, they thought. They talked about everything; from imagination to the real one, from past to the future, from the government to the environment, and else. They planned on adding another kitchen, rules they would make as the children grown up, Saturday’s fried rice toppings for breakfast, which books they would like to review in learning session about the value behind characters’ traits to teach about humanity, what would they and the children do to spend the weekend at home because the payroll day still a week to go so they would save some instead of waste the money at the mall.  They talked about the short-term and the long-term like having the same disposition. They talked about the future that hadn’t come.

Their sounds slightly went down to muted as the sleepiness rose along with the Friday exhaustion. The last one who awoke would switch the light off.

_

Inspired by papa and mama’s routine as Jakarta’s loyal employees, dozen years ago.

Selamat Tanggal 17: Tidak Lagi Menunggu

Mobil putih besar kiriman rumah sakit menunggu di depan rumah. Si penelepon mengabarkan bahwa para pria berseragam siap mengeluarkan ambulance stretcher, menggotong raga yang lemah untuk segera mendapat penanganan. Si pemilik raga menunda, ingin menunggu panggilan ibadah selepas matahari tenggelam, katanya. Orang-orang yang mengelilinginya hanya bisa menahan tangis, entah iba atau merasa saatnya tiba. Selepas ibadah, ia setuju untuk dipindah ke ranjang oranye berkaki roda. Diciumnya kepala putri satu-satunya dengan gerak lemah dan napas berat.

Aku harap kamu cepat sembuh, aku ingin dengar cerita sore dan main bersama lagi. Ingin dipeluk dan digendong.

Raung sirine mobil putih besar pembawa raga yang lemah itu membelah hujan yang kian deras. Kaca berembun memberi sang putri kesempatan untuk menulisi namanya oleh jari. Malam semakin larut, suhu udara semakin turun. Belum ada kabar dari rumah sakit… Atau sengaja disembunyikan.

Aku harap kamu cepat pulang ke rumah, bukan karena aku takut dokter jahat padamu. Namun karena aku takut, kecupan tadi adalah yang terakhir. Aku ingin memeluk dan mencium pipimu yang sulit basah itu. Pipi pembentuk senyum paling menenangkan sejagat raya, untukku.

Guncangan halus yang membangunkan. Mengingatkan untuk bersujud sebelum matahari terlihat. Berita kepulanganmu ke rumah membuat bahagia bukan main. Lalu terselip pertanyaan, mungkinkah bisa secepat itu? Karena teringat lemahnya si pemilik raga beberapa jam yang lalu, dan dulu-dulu bisa berminggu untuk melihatmu di depan pintu.

Terdengar isak tangis dari balik pintu dapur.

Ahh. Ingin menghilang rasanya.

Aku harap kamu tidak lagi merasakan sakit. Aku harap kita dapat bertemu di dunia yang lain. Aku harap aku dapat membantu meringankan bebanmu di alam lain. Aku harap akan ada pelukan seerat pelukanmu, sebagai pengganti.

Sudah sepuluh tahun ternyata. Biarlah waktu menghentikan raga di 42, namun dalam rasa tetap sudah 52.

Selamat tanggal 17, Kapten.

Gambar oleh @pixelheidi di akun puisinya

Ia tetap diam, mengatupkan bibir agar tidak ada kata yang keluar. Sementara pikirannya bermain cepat, memberi label pada perkataan dan perbuatan yang dilakukan orang di meja sebelah, membuat simpulan atas pertanyaan yang dilontarkan, menghakimi sepihak tanpa rasa ingin berbaur dan bertanya untuk melakukan validasi.

Ia tetap diam, menyibukkan diri dengan apa yang ada di layar gawai. Sementara sudut matanya memperhatikan suasana sekitar, menangkap sikap dan sifat orang di meja sebelah, membandingkan dirinya dengan mereka, membuat keputusan bahwa ia jauh lebih baik dibanding mereka tanpa rasa ingin lebih mengenal.

Sombong sekali kalau dipikir-pikir. Sibuk dengan pikiran-pikirannya tanpa mau berbagi. Mencari solusi dalam menyikapi kebingungan, yang alih-alih membuat tenang dengan keputusan yang diambil, malah memperburuk suasana dengan orang lain. Untung manusia bermacam, untung ia berurusan dengan yang tidak sepertinya. Jika sama, mungkin keadaan akan semakin memanas dan mereka tidak akan bertemu lagi. Mencoba menahan ego masing-masing, memendam amarah yang ditunjukkan dalam diam dengan tidak menunjukkan ekspresi apa-apa.

Egois.

Diam

Aku berusaha, kau tahu? Berusaha mempercepat prosesnya agar tidak terlalu lama tenggelam dalam rasa sesak, dengan mencoba sangat-sangat biasa di depanmu.

Melihat siluetmu yang baru datang dari balik kaca buram, dengan perpaduan warna merah dan putih, memberiku tekad, “Aku bisa, lihat ya.”

Nyatanya, teko leher angsa yang airnya mengaduk-aduk bubuk kopi di atas coffee filter jadi agak bergetar setelah aku berhasil menyapamu seperti aku menyapa yang lain. Jemariku langsung dingin. Sial, hardikku dalam hati. Untungnya, getaran teko leher angsa itu tidak terlalu kentara untuk disadari seisi ruang. Jangan lihat, jangan lihat, aku mengingatkan mata untuk tetap fokus pada bubuk kopi yang blooming di depan mata. Kopi sudah jadi, aroma menguar, aku keluar, bergabung di meja dengan yang lain. Aku memfokuskan diri pada fakta bahwa teman-temanku belum mengabari untuk selebrasi sidang hari itu. Lihat grup, jangan lihat ke samping. Nikmati kopimu, rasakan aftertaste banana dan caramel-nya. Fokus, jangan lihat ke samping. Kataku dalam hati, di pojok ruangan, di meja untuk berdua, di samping tas-tas, sejajar horizontal denganmu. Sial, hardikku lagi setelah diberi kabar bahwa selebrasi sedang dilangsungkan. Aku harus pergi sekarang. Maka aku pamit, dengan tidak melihatmu. Menghindari kontak mata atau hal-hal personal lainnya. Menjaga nada suara untuk tetap biasa, menyembunyikan rasa yang sejak tadi berusaha menarik ujung-ujung bibir untuk tersungging.

Ini, aku lampirkan lagu yang ingin aku kirimkan sebagai pesan untukmu. Baca ya liriknya. Aku tahu kamu tahu, kan aku tahu lagu ini juga dari kamu.

Payung Teduh – Diam

Tebaran merah dilemparkan matahari

Dia bercengkrama diujung langit

Bayangan terpaku di tanah

Jiwaku tenggelam di dasar rumput

Aku ingin melihatmu dalam gelap

Yang mulai datang

Aku ingin menyelamimu

Dalam risau yang sering datang Aku ingin diam bersamamu

Dalam rangkulan malam