i always love to shut the bedroom lights off into a complete dark, before going to bed. so i can see dim lights produced by some chemical inside the materials of glow-in-the-dark star stickers i glued on my wall. filtered lights from a street lamp outside the house that get into my room from a two-door window, usually give yellowish yet reddish soothing ambiance (or radical like a crime scene, yet sensual like wong kar wai’s fallen angels). i’d feel safe and content, to be able recognizing the stickers shape as sharp as i can. i just stare at them, the stickers, until unconsciously the unconsciousness take over my consciousness. take it down, sink me into another dark vacuum. sometimes it could be as colorful as a park of rainbows or as exciting as a road trip with familiar faces, but lately, it’s nothing there. nothing to remember, nothing to imagine. it feels more like a lapse, quiet and serene.
I’ve planned if anyone ask where I am, I would answer that I’m nowhere. I don’t feel like meeting anybody today. But guess what, when I don’t want to be found, you found me. Maybe it’s something, maybe it’s nothing. But I guess I have to thank the universe for making me believe that I’m never been left.
Yellow wraps green.
Unlike you who wished to meet your copy, I prayed to God to meet someone like you. After what happened, after what you did, after all the things I have realized about us, I wanted to make things right.
I wanted to be close to someone who understands, the one who listens, who tries so hard not to judge publicly, who puts honesty and sincerity as priority, who strives for harmony, who cares deeply, who’s able to keep me on the ground while I’m flying high with my head, who trusts me to help, whom I could give my attention and everything needed to thrive together, who keeps the manner. Someone who is just like you, or as one of our friend said: “Someone who has characteristic and quality I desired and by chance, is like you.”
Fortunately, If I trace back from the period of our cold and formal separation until now, God has granted my prayer. I don’t have to look far for that person, I don’t even have to look. He that has been given to me is the same person we talked about how did I get rid of feelings that had got in me for years. At some point, I did afraid of welcoming back the feeling you have helped me erasing. But no. Because he seems just like you, he also doesn’t see me the way I wanted you to see me or the way I wanted him to see me years ago. I do treat him the way I did treat you, but I don’t give the same feeling as I gave to you, or I gave to him years ago. I want to treat him right, respecting by simply embrace his presence for he is.
The plus point of this person is we have known each other for years, unlike us who know each other for less than two years. I could tell anything without getting awkward and show my vulnerable side without worrying he would left. Sometimes, if I said that I found my mirror in you, this person feels like half of my soul. If you understood my chaotic mind, he translates it so that anyone could understand too.
Dear You, thank you that you came and left. Thank you I learned a lot. Thank you for making me understand my self like never before. I thought to lose you was like losing my half-self, but it turns out not that significant compared to IF I lose this person.
I don’t ask anything from him, I’m not waiting for anyone anymore, I don’t beg people to stay. If they want to stay, please stay. If they want to leave, like you, please leave. Losing is tiring and aching, but I know my worth and it’d be your loss.
Once again, thank you for the lessons you gave. Shizz I’m in tears.
Monday, June 3rd 2019/Monday, Ramadan 29th 1440
On Commuter Line from Sudirman to Depok Station, just got back from Bandung to Jakarta. My chest felt tight, greater area of Bandung has always had you in its every corner.
Seorang teman mengajak bertemu. Well, seorang teman itu siapa lagi kalo bukan Nabilla Reysa Utami a.k.a Echa a.k.a juragan kale chips. Diawali dari “Cha, gue butuh temen buat dengerin nangis. Prefer ketemu sih.” “Oke, Cipete gimana?”
Pergilah kami ke Teh Tarik Aceh dengan pertimbangan aku lapar, ia sedang sedih jadi akan sangat baik jika kami makan comfort food, di sana ada Recharge karena charger ketinggalan di kantor HAHA, di sana ada wifi untuk ngelanjutin mock-up web dengan wix yang berat itu, dan harga di menunya terjangkau.
Setelah berbincang cukup panjang tentang questions, quarter-life crisis, peran kami untuk diri sendiri dan di lingkungan, justifikasi terhadap apapun yang dihadapi, bagaimana kami belum punya apa-apa hingga waktulah yang dapat kami beri, tentang transaksionalnya hubungan manusia, sampailah ia pada kata-kata:
“Gue mau berterima kasih sih ke nyokap lo, because of her, you exist. Karena beliau udah ngedidik anaknya jadi kayak gini.”
Let me fall into your black hole, then I won’t even try to escape. I’ll build a comfy shelter to share with. If it’s possible, I’ll build a home to live in. To rest your heart at the safest place and the tightest hug you’ve ever known.
Let’s just hope, would it be happen?
“How’s your feelings?”
“Hey Cha, what’s up?”
“I’m just doing something that reminds me of you.”
“What are you doing?”
“Cha, I’m good. But I gotta go.”
“Yeah, sure. You always go. Glad to know you’re good.”
The convo happened on my mind because I refuse to be left.
You don’t have to look anywhere to find your soulmate, because you’re looking at one.
You may have more than a soulmate, therefore it doesn’t have certain status. Soulmate is soulmate, a mate for your soul. It’s different from a best friend, boyfriend/girlfriend, even family. Anyone can be a soulmate, but a soulmate can’t be anyone. A soulmate isn’t only able to get you, but also matches your soul (a combination of both feelings and physical, the same way of thinking, can’t only be carried one category). Soulmate is on another level where you just can’t understand what it is. You can’t explain the proximity it has, but you can always feel it.
Soulmate isn’t only love, it’s beyond.