Absence (5)

Dear You,

Sang Maha membangunkan ku pukul 03:17, Ia paham hamba-Nya butuh pertolongan. Aku sambut uluran tangannya, namun tak ku sambut kesempatan pelukan tak kasat mata yang sepertinya lebih aku butuhkan. Entah ego tinggi sebagai manusia kecil, atau rasa malu yang begitu besar hingga dada tidak lepas berguncang seperti malam-malam sebelumnya, meminta ketenangan pikiran dan ketentraman hati dalam setiap tekanan. Mungkin doaku masih kurang, mungkin caraku kurang sesuai, hingga yang dikabulkan hanya ketenangan pikiran pada dua minggu terakhir sebelum Event yang semakin lama semakin menghimpit. Tapi satu yang aku percaya, bahwa apapun yang dilakukan, baik benar ataupun kurang sesuai, pada akhirnya akan baik-baik saja. Jika tidak baik? Maka itu bukan akhir. Pikirkan, jalani, atur strategi, dan tetap tenang.

Itu yang aku terapkan hari ini.

Hari kedua Wealth Wisdom 2019 aku manfaatkan dengan datang ke kelas-kelas yang menurutku penting. Waktuku juga dihabiskan dengan teman-teman yang menurutku penting, di tempat yang menyenangkan, dan obrolan yang menenangkan. Seorang teman baru yang rasanya langsung nyambung di Osteria Gia, karena kami butuh kehangatan teh dan pancaran sinar matahari sore, yang masuk menerobos kaca. Satu lagi pertemuan malam dan singkat di antara dua mangkok soto padang, seorang teman lama yang kerjaannya marah-marah melulu, apalagi kalau ia tahu aku disikapi tidak setara oleh orang lain. Well, memang butuh sih disadarin kayak gitu. Biar mikir, sadar, dan (maunya) take action. Lucunya setelah ia aku jelaskan penemuanku atas kesadaran dan jawaban dari “Mengapa?” Ia paham tapi tetap teguh pada pendiriannya.

Lihat, teman-temanku baik kan?

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Absence (4)

Hi again,

Did I tell you that I’m surrounded by nice people? Whose hearts are pure, willing to take care of each other, supportive, and understanding? One of them gives me an opportunity to isolate myself from the others by letting me stay at her apt while she is traveling with her hubby for a week. It feels like when I was at the Uni, where I lived alone in my apt; cooked by myself, watched movies and YouTube channels, had an unlimited me time I desired; wrote stories, crafted imaginations, poetry reading night with zero audiences and a spotlight, made captions with thoughtful research, etc.

Other than that, one also gives an opportunity to learn more by giving a free ticket for two days event called Wealth Wisdom 2019. It was fun. We attended a talk show class with my favorite director talking on the stage, Mas Yandy Laurens. After issues he told to the audience and points of the main topic he explained, he told an inspiring story about how he and his older brother persuaded their mother to move out from Makassar, either to Jakarta or a smaller city 5 hours away from Makassar.

The point of his story was their mother refused the idea of moving. She liked to be in Makassar eventhough she’s alone. Mas Yandy himself told that sometimes we, as children, couldn’t accept someone like our parents because we have a standard of what our parents should be. It could be applied to other contexts, like “our achievement from the past won’t be a hundred percent determine our future career” or “our past relationship can’t be compared to the next” just because they are different. Yes, we learned, but we can’t force anyone or anything to be in the standard we crafted in our head. There’s no 100% possibility to win or lose, it always 50:50.

The best place for their mother is neither Jakarta the urban city nor the smaller city where life could runs slow, but the Makassar itself where their mother could feel home.

Home is about familiarity.

Yandy Laurens, Wealth Wisdom, Aug 14th 2019

Home is feeling, house is physic. Perhaps, that’s why I keep circling the pattern. As I feel familiar with his traits, that goes inline with You. The last memory I could remember about You, seems posses in him. I cried again at the event hall, while others were laughing at Mas Yandy’s jokes, thinking why should You give me this name, inspired from a little girl who said that she loved her dad so much over the phone on a telecommunication company advertising on TV? Why You have to be that lovely, insisted me subtly and implicitly to love You?

Your pray has granted. After 11 years since Your absence, I still crave Your hug, our pizza dating, Your brought-home pint of Häagen-Dazs or Baskin Robbins or Ragusa, Your nasi goreng creation, our home-made burger, Your A&W root beer float, oyster sauce chicken teriyaki, our shopping time when You brought many shirts and batik to wear to office but You let me pick my favorite one so You could wear something that I liked, Your backpack choices, Your values about quality over quantity of things and time and relationship, Your way to appreciate others of their smallest effort, our basketball throwing session, our weekend bicycle, our morning jogging/badminton, our evening tea, and the most longing moment was the afternoon talking. Just us. When uda and adek were busy playing with friends, mama was at her office, You and I were sitting together and shared stories.

I know this is wrong, to love someone more than anything, but I love You. That’s why I look for someone like you. Unfortunately, no one ever sees me the way I see them. That what makes me afraid of feeling this way. I’m afraid of loving that same person like I used to because I’m afraid to get hurt. This passage will be long if I continue with the domino effect explanation of getting hurt.

Absence (3)

Seperti ada yang memberikan penutup mata, ia menuntun ke sebuah rumah. Saat sudah sampai, aku selalu ingin keluar namun tidak bisa. Ada yang menarik dari dalam dan membuatku untuk tetap tinggal. Beberapa kali bermain di pekarangannya yang sempit, melihat-lihat ke sisi jalan namun sebatas melihat karena tidak tahu kemana-mana. Si pemilik rumah tidak lagi peduli dengan tujuan awal, namun tetap menjaga kenyamanan tempat untuk menghindari desas-desus.

Suatu hari, aku bermain ke pekarangan belakang karena bosan. Si pemilik rumah sering pergi dan meninggalkanku sendiri. Tanpa sadar, aku terjebak berhari-hari. Hingga saatnya bisa keluar, aku lihat ada yang baru di dalam rumah. Tersenyum ramah melihat isinya yang baik terjaga dan rapi.

Beberapa kali aku coba keluar tanpa bersuara, tidak ingin si pemilik rumah menyadari keberadaanku di sini. Biarlah ia mengira aku telah pergi, toh kalaupun ia tetap menginginkanku di sini, ia pastinya sudah mencari. Tapi ya nyatanya tidak. Sayangnya, aku tidak tahu arah. Aku tidak familiar dengan lingkungannya, karena ia tidak pernah mengajakku berkeliling. Sampai pada titik akhirnya akupun berani berlari dan pergi.

Beberapa waktu setelahnya, aku kembali dan merasa biasa saja dengan rumah itu. Aku kunjungi lalu pergi lagi, tidak ada yang spesial dengannya. Apalagi, aku sudah tahu lingkungan rumah tersebut dan hapal betul ke mana jalan pulang. Hingga pada titik yang lain aku merasa familiar dengan isi dan penempatannya. Tidak lagi memori yang terkenang, namun rasa yang pernah membekas seperti memancarkan sinar dari dalam tanah bak kecambah bunga matahari yang akan tumbuh membesar dan indah. Sekarang, aku kembali terjebak. Bukan karena tidak tahu arah, namun tidak tahu bagaimana caranya.

Absence (2)

Dear You,

Do you remember your suspicion about someone I called everyday? The one you mentioned and told me that he was kind then teased me until I mad? To be honest, recently I think the thing that I thought I’ve got over last year, knocked my door again out of nowhere since past weeks. Coming from the exhaustion of denying, I finally tell myself the truth: Yes, it is. This time doesn’t come with happiness or other pleasant feelings. Instead, it comes with self-pity. I cried my heart out in one of the restroom cubicles at Kemenlu Training Center. Unfortunately, one of my new friends I knew from The Event, found me out. She asked why, I told her a bit and steered the conversation with her experience, so she wouldn’t ask about mine any further. Well, I got a hug. It was the first time I cried in front of a so-called stranger, as I always keep my tough self as personality I choose to be seen by the outsider. They only knew I could be sensitive and weak without seeing it.

You said that I have to be strong because I’m the eldest, and I have no intention to let you down. So, I promise that I would find another way to escape from this old matter like I used to. I know you won’t read this, but I still feel your presence somewhere and I want you to know that I am able to handle such a thing.

Absence (1)

“I Never Knew I Needed” Team, From Yesterday’s Event (10 Aug, 2019)

After 11 years since your absence, I met your copy (minus a hug). Even though I already found one, but this man shared the same appearance and acts like you did (as long as I remember) as he is at the same age like you were.

He understood my lacks, then gave me a team. He let me tell stories eventhough he already knew it from others. He shared his values about works and life in general. He let me made mistakes so that I could learn. He told me the do’s and dont’s and kept his eyes in works I did, not his hands. He included me in strategical conversation which was in another level from me. He shaped me from his perspective to make the works done nicely. He called me whenever I felt stuck on something and explain it with patience.

“You did a great job today. I’m happy with our team. Exclude your volunteers yah.” he said while sitting next to the FOH.
“Thank you juga for everything, I’ve learned a lot from you.”
“Maybe you should join my projects more often, so that you could learn and deepen your skills and understanding. So someday you could be an expert in this industry.”
“Call me when you need me, I’ll be delighted to join as I know there’ll be more challenge and knowledge I could learn from you.

He doesn’t know how grateful I am with these past months.

Bulan yang Terlupa

Malam ini aku sadari bahwa langit tidak secerah kemarin. Daerah Sudirman terlihat keruh dengan polusi cahaya dan polusi udara dari kendaraan di jalanan Jumat malam. Bulan indah nan terang kemarin tidak lagi terlihat malam ini. Entah tertutup gedung tinggi atau tertutup awan.

Malam ini aku sadari bahwa aku dan bulan semakin mirip di mata mu. Hadir di tengah kegelapan untuk menerangi hari, kegundahan hati, semrawut pikiran. Namun kemerlap kota yang cantik menutupi eksistensi kami yang sederhana. Menjadi bulan yang abadi kadang disepelekan dan dianggap lalu dibanding bias cahaya warna-warni pelangi yang indah namun hanya sekejap. Keindahannya diagungkan hingga masuk dalam lagu-lagu sendu, lagu-lagu seru.

Begitulah aku sebagai bulan. Tetap datang dan menerangi, walau kehadirannya kadang tidak disadari.

Bulan Berpura-Pura

Tentang ia yang tak pernah lagi aku bagikan ceritanya.
Bahkan, sebisa mungkin mati-matian aku tolak eksistensinya dalam ruang rasa.

Tidakkah kau lihat langit malam ini? Cerah menyejukkan mata.
Tidakkah kau lihat Bulan malam ini? Hampir bulat sempurna, menerangi gelap malam dengan ketidaksempurnaannya.

Aku bagai bulan malam ini yang kadang melewati awan tipis, lalu ia menolak untuk bersembunyi walau harus.
Percuma, cahayanya akan tetap terlihat. Ia, aku, takkan bisa sembunyi.

Namun terlepas dari semua upaya,
yang menciptakan kesan dingin dan tak punya rasa
bukankah kita memang jago berpura-pura?

Lelah Lihat Lo Lelah

Kata mereka, aku
diminta berhenti

“lelah melihat mu
selalu begitu.
tidakkah dirimu lelah?”

lelah.
aku manusia biasa.
tapi aku gak tau
caranya.

pernah ada yang
membelah celah
antara aku dengan
yang tak pernah
lepas,

namun seperti
lubang tindik yang
dibiarkan menganga,
jaringannya
menyatu sendiri.

pernah aku sangat takut hingga
bergetar bagai kucing ketakutan
mendengar petir menggelegar

tentangnya, kadang
tidak lagi mendapat titik terang.
seperti terus berputar
dan berputar
dan berputar
hingga kapan?
sumpah, aku gak tau.

i’ve lost words

dear heart,

i’ve lost ideas of telling you this:

don’t fall for someone who doesn’t feel the same about you. don’t fall, at least for now.

you’ve tired enough, don’t let your heart exhausted too.