An Open Letter to The One Who Understands: I’ve Found Another You

Unlike you who wished to meet your copy, I prayed to God to meet someone like you. After what happened, after what you did, after all the things I have realized about us, I wanted to make things right.

I wanted to be close to someone who understands, the one who listens, who tries so hard not to judge publicly, who puts honesty and sincerity as priority, who strives for harmony, who cares deeply, who’s able to keep me on the ground while I’m flying high with my head, who trusts me to help, whom I could give my attention and everything needed to thrive together, who keeps the manner. Someone who is just like you, or as one of our friend said: “Someone who has characteristic and quality I desired and by chance, is like you.”

Fortunately, If I trace back from the period of our cold and formal separation until now, God has granted my prayer. I don’t have to look far for that person, I don’t even have to look. He that has been given to me is the same person we talked about how did I get rid of feelings that had got in me for years. At some point, I did afraid of welcoming back the feeling you have helped me erasing. But no. Because he seems just like you, he also doesn’t see me the way I wanted you to see me or the way I wanted him to see me years ago. I do treat him the way I did treat you, but I don’t give the same feeling as I gave to you, or I gave to him years ago. I want to treat him right, respecting by simply embrace his presence for he is.

The plus point of this person is we have known each other for years, unlike us who know each other for less than two years. I could tell anything without getting awkward and show my vulnerable side without worrying he would left. Sometimes, if I said that I found my mirror in you, this person feels like half of my soul. If you understood my chaotic mind, he translates it so that anyone could understand too.

Dear You, thank you that you came and left. Thank you I learned a lot. Thank you for making me understand my self like never before. I thought to lose you was like losing my half-self, but it turns out not that significant compared to IF I lose this person.

I don’t ask anything from him, I’m not waiting for anyone anymore, I don’t beg people to stay. If they want to stay, please stay. If they want to leave, like you, please leave. Losing is tiring and aching, but I know my worth and it’d be your loss.

Once again, thank you for the lessons you gave. Shizz I’m in tears.
T

_____
15:11 WIB
Monday, June 3rd 2019/Monday, Ramadan 29th 1440
On Commuter Line from Sudirman to Depok Station, just got back from Bandung to Jakarta. My chest felt tight, greater area of Bandung has always had you in its every corner.

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Soulmate

You don’t have to look anywhere to find your soulmate, because you’re looking at one.

You may have more than a soulmate, therefore it doesn’t have certain status. Soulmate is soulmate, a mate for your soul. It’s different from a best friend, boyfriend/girlfriend, even family. Anyone can be a soulmate, but a soulmate can’t be anyone. A soulmate isn’t only able to get you, but also matches your soul (a combination of both feelings and physical, the same way of thinking, can’t only be carried one category). Soulmate is on another level where you just can’t understand what it is. You can’t explain the proximity it has, but you can always feel it.

Soulmate isn’t only love, it’s beyond.

Be Strong

Such an encouraging statement to start the day, a wish for a better day, a better me.

Dear Self

Dear Acha,

Happy graduation. I heard that you felt gloomy because of memories about people from your past, and how you felt so small compared to them.

Well, we can’t completely erase what happened, nor change it. They’ve got their own path, you’ve got yours.

It’s okay if we can’t change the past. It happened, let it be. You’ll have another day to start, to create new memories, chase your ongoing dreams, heighten your qualities, aim your careers, meet your possibilities, take your chances, embrace new feelings. THERE ARE LOTS OF IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO CHA. BE BRAVE.

We, people, are changing constantly. Change to be the best of you, Cha. You don’t have to only start a new chapter. Instead, start a new book.

Good luck my love, my dear-self.

A love letter for cinnamon rolls

It started with a good smell
I fell for you since the first time I passed a bakery, where you were hanging on the display. but I was on a diet
so I decided not to think about you anymore

I fell on admiration when I discovered the benefit of you + honey + warm water
flat belly was formed as I consumed you regularly
every morning
literally

I fell in love, it got stronger as I understood that you’re not the one that’ll ruin my weight. eat you once in a while won’t be bad.
walking by the bakery, smell the fresh-baked of you and other croissants has been my favorite thing to do
every office-hour morning
if I arrived earlier than I should

I feel like getting permission to love you freely, to buy you with no hesitation, to eat you without regret
my love for you has grown

Thank you, for your existence
My dear cinnamon rolls
(or cinnamon in general)

Minggu Pagi

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Though there is Sad in his (user)name, I wish for his heart to be happy.

Pertemuan gak sengaja di minggu pagi dua dua April waktu setempat.
Sempat terucap cerita tentang rollfilm yang udah lama mengendap dalam film chamber. Cerita lain tentang pertama kali mengeluarkan kamera tersebut dari lemari papa, tapi gak dilanjutkan. Saat itu 2013, orang-orang masih sibuk dengan kamera digital dan polaroid. Cuci scan waktu itu hanya satu di kotaku, tempat-tempat yang aku tahu dulu, udah gak lagi melayani hal semacam itu. Aku tertarik mengoperasikan kamera papa karena ingin menghidupkan ketidakberadaannya. Berbekal buku panduan pengguna dan informasi dari internet, aku memotret sesukaku.

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Lalu ia bertanya, “Kenapa berenti?” Setelah berpikir sebentar aku menjawab, “Kenapa ya, karena gak ada temen yang bisa sama-sama ngelakuinnya kayanya.” Waktu itu analog gak hype samsek, beda sama sekarang. Kayaknya cuma aku yang tertarik di sekitar, jadi aku takut sendiri.

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Ditarik sedikit ke belakang tentang gambar. Pernah aku cerita tentang alasan dulu mau punya kedai kopi. Karena suka vibe yang tercipta dari interior design-nya. Meskipun bervariasi, kedai kopi punya kecenderungan interior yang sama, menghasilkan vibe yang sama. Karena harum kopi yang menguar memenuhi ruang, entahlah. Dari situ pernah tertarik mau jadi interior designer. Pernah juga waktu kecil terpikir untuk jadi arsitek karena suka gambar-gambar bangunan. Tapi itu semua dipinggirkan karena satu hal: takut disuruh gambar. Aku cuma bisa gambar stickman.” kataku waktu dulu.

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Lalu ia bertanya, “Kenapa gak dilatih lagi?” Aku menjawab “Gapapa, ngerasa jelek aja.” Setelah itu ia menunjukkan dan membicarakan tweet Wahyu “Pinot” Ichwandardi yang juga pernah aku lihat di linimasa Twitter. Tweet tentang gak usah takut dibilang ABCD, gambar ya gambar aja. Kalau ngerasa jelek, latihan lagi sampai bagus.

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Obrolan tentang gambar itu muncul dari obrolan tentang peta imajiner, yang dibahas karena kami punya dunia ciptaan masing-masing. Aku dengan huruf-huruf United States of Acha yang sekarang berubah nama jadi Achalandia, per 3 Januari 2018. Ia dengan The Known World beserta segala huruf (yang masih coba aku pecahkan di waktu luang), sejarah, karakteristik masyarakat masing-masing negara, dan tempat-tempat pentingnya.

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Lalu aku bercerita sempat ingin buat kata-kata khusus, udah bikin kamus sendiri tapi kata yang terkumpul masih sedikit dan menyadari ‘kata-kata’ terlalu banyak, ingin bikin peta negara sendiri tapi Achalandia terlalu kecil dan gambarku terlalu jelek jadinya gak jadi. Takut gak bisa memuaskan khayalan sendiri. Lalu ia menunjukkan semuanya.

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Aku baru sadar, ia mengingatkanku pada hal-hal yang dulu aku suka, tapi terlalu takut untuk mengembangkannya karena ini dan itu. Mungkin aku terlalu mendengarkan apa kata orang lain. Mungkin aku terlalu terpaku pada pemenuhan harapan orang lain. Hingga secara sadar maupun gak sadar, menjadikan ketakutan sebagai alasan untuk berhenti. Berhenti melakukan hal-hal yang aku sukai, yang ternyata ia lakukan dengan sangat baik.

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Permainan hidup yang dikendalikan ketakutan. Lalu mencari alternatif dengan bermain aman, mencari hal lain yang bisa dan menyenangkan untuk dilakukan hingga ketakutan dan hal-hal yang menempelinya terkubur menjadi kenangan.

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Lalu seseorang datang, membangkitkan kembali ketakutan yang terkubur dalam bentuk baru, sebuah harapan. Harapan akan kemampuan untuk melakukan apa yang selama ini takut dilakukan. Seseorang mengubah sebuah takut menjadi sebuah harap.

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*Minggu pagi ingin beli ikan cupang sekaligus ngabisin rollfilm karena kata seorang teman, “Mending filmnya diabisin dulu, baru lensanya kamu bawa ke tempat yang bisa bersihin jamurnya.”
**Ini rollfilm ketiga yang di-develop sejak 2013, hasil foto dengan lensa berjamur ngasih efek yang unik
***”Selama gak merugikan berbagai pihak, lakuin aja apa yang mau dilakuin. Tapi selalu berkembang biar yang dilakuin gak cuma sekedar. Minimal, bisa ngebanggain diri sendiri.” – Acha, 2018
****Itu rambut cepet panjangnya, pake sampo kuda apa gimana?
*****Jadi, akan ada kejutan apa lagi?

 

A Letter: I’m Sorry I Don’t Know How to Say It in Person. You Also Know That I’ve Got Difficulty to Express My Deepest Feeling. So, Here It Is.

I guess the reasons why I don’t want to lose you and always be able to find you are because you’re capable to calm me down, to rationalize the non-sense in my head, to make me focus on our conversation only, diving into the depths, to keep me still, chill, yet thrill, to train me how to be patient, to sort out my chaotic thinking path, to encourage me to learn about anything because you know a lot of things and your knowledge tickles my curiosity. Above all, because you’re you.

We find ourselves at the edge of the fitted shape of hundred pieces of a jigsaw. Complement one another. I may be a blue wrapped in yellow, while you’re yellow wrapped in blue. Together, we can create green in both inside and outside of ourselves. The green color represents growth, nature, calm, and harmony. The communication in green describes us as well at points that tell to give time to think, to skip the “small talk”, to give the big picture then get into details.

Surrounded by the colors of calmness, there’s no need to rush. As long as we keep consistent and persistent on what and how we do to aim our purpose, time will do the rest. Though I can create my own happiness and overcome my own desolation, your presence contributes to quicken the recovery or heal the wound completely. Thank you for your existence. It’s just the beginning, learning about you is a lifetime subject I’d like to take.

P.s. I’m too, need to learn how to show and convince you that ‘this thing’ is real, to do something to make you feel the same way, without me pretending to be someone else, to keep me as genuine as I am, to behave serenely. I love to learn, then I will.

03:00

A Poem

To celebrate the World Poetry Day on March 21st, my best-not-so-like-to-celebrate-anything-friend offered to make me a poem. She asked the theme, then I gave her some words to use to make her less complicated in making the poem. One day later, she gave me the link to her poem. So, here it is

Tikam Menikam

Dear Acha,

stop trying to make sense of everything. There are things that just don’t make sense and they are okay. They exist not to be understood. You have to accept them as they are. As you said, acceptance is the key. So this time, please try to live with the no make sense. As Linda Schell said on Extremely Loud& Incredibly Close

No matter how hard you try, Oskar, it’s never gonna make sense because it doesn’t. It doesn’t… make… sense!”

cherio!

Perpus Fikom, Jatinangor, 13:29