Stupidity for Having Foggy Eyes

looked too far
didn’t believe
what’s near
one step away to the right
took hundreds of steps to the left
realized
should be started
from a trust
to oneself
to what’s seen
why were looking for
what’s beneath, rather than
on the surface
the near.

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Naive

say that i’m naive
perhaps
it’s because i’m trying
to see
the good in everything

when i’m not
it’s humanize me

days are meant to
have ups and downs
be okay
is what keeps me
sane

and that’s all i need

Sometimes, there are two other Tasha+s in my head. Should I name them then identify their characteristics, to be aware which one is taking control? I’m aware of this since I was in JHS, the other Tasha+s help me to consider, decide, and discuss unanswered 5W+1H questions before I ask people outside my head.

Perhaps, that’s the main concept of intrapersonal communication. You talk and answer to yourself. Well, it’s thinking. Nothing weird or scary about it. That’s how you process information around you.

But hey, naming them seems fun.

Equal

I see you like a person I used to be.
The one in the phase, that I was proud of.

I forgot why I changed.
Maybe I was bored,
maybe I wasn’t feeling enough with myself.
Maybe I was afraid of the stagnancy
and being trapped in the same sequence.
The fear of self-insuperación.

But you are better than I was, of course.
And somehow,
I’m feeling much better than I was.
Then our better self, met.
After several talks,
you make me feel like improving myself.
I learned a lot,
and I love learning,
and I’m looking for my equal.

Then I found you.

Or maybe,
won’t be equal-equal.
Because I learned from you,
and I hope somehow you do too, from me.
We can be equal of each other’s superiority
and uniqueness.

We’re equal
because we both learn from each other,
not because we’re the same,
having a mutual expertise,
that will lead to overlapping.

The equality comes
from the expertise we carried.
To become similarly different.
So we can cooperate in our similarity and
have things to talk about in our differences,
through questions.

To strengthen the connection
as we develop mutual understanding
and collective knowledge.

That’s why
your presence
means so much
to me.

Define

I’m not in hurry, as I’m not looking for temporary. Things take time, and I want to be the one and only.

Pardon my excitement for finding you ordinary, but you said that ordinary is a new way to perceive the otherwise. The reason is because a lot of people are competing to be remarkable, that make them definable.

So, you’re the ordinarily extraordinary.

Kami menginjakkan kaki di kota yang sama, pada rentang waktu yang sama. Tahu dari mana? Dari segala upaya yang dapat dilakukan.

Sampai pada waktu makan siang, aku melewati sebuah restoran yang memiliki bangku tinggi, seperti suasana latar mie ayamnya waktu itu. Mungkin ia di dalam, mungkin tidak. Tapi aku juga tidak mencari, karena ia sedang tidak ingin dicari. Toh biasanya kami tidak saling mencari, aku jarang mencari, tapi bertemu sendiri.

You said that you want to hurt people so badly because you’ve been hurt. A lot. Does this mean you do it, eventually?

Sayang takdir belum mempertemukan. Kalau bertemu pada saat itupun, kasihan badan. Karena Takdir tahu, saat kami bertemu, kata istirahat berubah jadi fana. Karena yang nyata adalah bersama.

Do as you like. I’m okay, I do. Things you’ve been carried will always be yours. But you need to keep this in your mind, that I’m not going anywhere.

Hunter X Hunter – Angin: Kontemplasi Siang Bolong

Apa kau dengar
Suara angin yang berhembus
Di muka bumi
Bangkit kenangan
Di masa lalu

Apakah yang berada di sana
Di ujung awan yang berarah
Ku tahu masa depan
Telah menantimu di balik hutan ini

Selamat jalan
Jangan kembali lagi dan teruslah melangkah
Percayalah
Gejolak dalam dada
Kan jadi kekuatan

Suara langkahmu
Yang tengah berlari kencang
Sendiri kan kucari
Di tengah angin ini

Suara angin seperti cahaya yang mulai terlihat di ujung terowongan panjang yang gelap. Cahaya yang membuat lega karena akhir dari perjalanan kian terlihat. Meskipun masih samar-samar atas apa yang ada di depan, paling tidak beberapa beban akan lepas dan waktu istirahat sejenak akan tiba. Membuat ia yang-sedang-berusaha terkenang atas perjalanan yang telah dilewati hingga sampai ke titik ini.

Ia yakin menuju arah yang tepat karena telah mengikuti prosedur dengan baik. Rasanya, ini seperti Jatinangor. Kalau Hunter X Hunter menggunakan hutan sebagai area belajar, aku dan orang-orang di sana dikelilingi bukit dan gunung. Lagu ini seperti menggerakkan pendengarnya untuk menyongsong masa depan. Terdengar mudah, bukan? Tapi bukankah masa depan, bisa dilihat bahkan satu detik setelah detik ini. Jadi apa itu masa depan?

Seakan Unpad melepaskan kepergian para sarjana. “Jangan kembali lagi dan teruslah melangkah” aku anggap bukan sebagai pengusiran secara halus untuk tidak kembali, melainkan dengan kasar menyadarkan bahwa “Kamu gak akan bisa balik lagi jadi mahasiswa baru dengan pola pikir, keterbatasan ilmu, dan nilai-nilai seperti dulu. Kamu akan terus berubah setiap harinya dan gak ada jalan untuk kembali.”

Kalau kata Yana, “We can’t reset life”. Kalau kata Acha, “That’s why we can’t always buy new things or simply throw it away and have nothing. We have to fix broken things to make it useful and worth again. Becuase sometimes, it’s the only way to keep on living a decent life.”

Percayalah. Saat percaya, bahkan sekecil apapun rasa percaya itu, percaya dapat membawamu ke tujuan yang diinginkan. Gejolak dalam dada merupakan semangat pantang menyerah, kesenangan, kepedulian, kesedihan, ketakutan, kebingungan, dan segala hal yang dipikirkan dan dirasakan. Menjadikan kamu, dirimu yang sekarang.

Lalu pada akhirnya kita sendiri yang menentukan secepat apa kita berjalan, seberisik apa langkah kaki kita, apakah kita akan melanjutkan perjalanan atau malah berhenti karena terpukau cahaya di kejauhan, yang sebenarnya bisa dicapai namun rasa takut yang menguasai lebih besar. Alangkah menyenangkan bila bisa mendapat teman dalam perjalanan. Teman yang memotivasi dan menunggu di depan, yang berlari di samping menemani berbincang, juga yang di belakang membuat lega karena tidak sendiri. Untuk setelahnya, dapat menjadi teman selamanya dalam mengarungi perjalanan selanjutnya.

Answer

The answer of a challenge that was given for me has been leaked out. Yesterday, i gave series of possible answers as i oftentimes think about possibilities that may happen, through various moods that may attach to the message. But, this morning i thought it over and over. Then i found something had missed while i was creating the map. The map he intended is in maze form. So, i recreated the map to find AN answer. Broke the components down, arranged them based on the receiving time. The first statement, the second, and so on.

My own maze finished in 30 minutes. The conclusion i got is… Wow. I’m afraid to put it into words as reaching his core of thinking is shielded by walls and maze, that really excites me to tear it down and finding a way to reach the middle. But it’s still a daydreaming assumption, as he’s hiding his Instastories from me, hiding me as he never seen on viewers list since i’m in Depok, also didn’t respond my chat about that possibilities. Did i do wrong? My negative side (that colonizing me lately) said that he might don’t want me to try knowing him anymore. I don’t know, i don’t wanna create another assumption before we meet again. Tho i know that he won’t cut people easily, needs more time than others to process certain things, ponders before telling any statements or stories to prevent half-baked information, but who knows. Hence, let the conclusion felt and saved the words in the temporary chest.

ENFP’s Soulmate

It’s kinda silly to believe this pseudo-science, as my friends in college who took psychology as their major, told me that there are no credible and valid proofs about the MBTI thingy. But have you ever felt so connected with an unrealistic thing? There! Maybe this one is included. So, I’m happy to talk about MBTI. Read the explanation from the web, I laughed. It touched me. Here’s the screenshot.

source

See? My previous posts explained his traits and this one above, has almost covered them all in one paragraph. How could I not laugh? I unintended found the link on Pinterest and the title attracted me. Was it some kind of coincidence or what?

Last week, he gave me a topic to solve. I needed to make a thinking map about what he intended to say to me, as he’s Mr. Subtle & Ambiguity who rarely explains in the literal meaning. The challenge he offered truly thrilled me on. But my ability to explore more, observe deep, and become super sensitive to gather the information I need in building the map, have to be held. I’m the one who holds it until now, too afraid to be hurt, too fragile to accept the reality if it doesn’t bring any good vibes.

I’m at the stage where sleepless night is my best time to focus on doing my priority. I may not sensitive to my surroundings but I’m too sensitive to myself, and his everything is one of the triggers for my internal sensitivity. His sadness, his happiness, his voice, somehow created the various moods for me. Also, about this and that related to my priority, take the most on affecting my mood. At the same time, I tend to be quiet, pull myself from human contact, especially to do a deep talk in person. I’m more comfortable to talk through the chat or call. But as a social person who loves to hang out and surround myself with the crowd, I don’t refuse to have two or three hours of laughing and chatting socially. Seems paradox, huh? I know, welcome to my world. It’s confusing, even for me.

As a person who is mood-driven, I try to keep my mood stable so I can do my priority and meet the deadline I made. Though it’s hard, I keep on trying and look what I’ve become!

I found an article about MBTI that explains this trait, again I overwhelmed. The explanation about ENFPs and stress on The ENFP Under Stress section tells a lot about what happened to me in past few months. Even though not all the explanation feels right, but some of them are. The closest condition I’m aware of is my post about feeling blandness, lack of focus on practical things, short-time pleasure and sadness, etc. Here’s the section I quoted:

When ENFPs become stressed, their normally friendly and cheerful natures turn irritable, emotional, defensive and reactive. They often feel overwhelmed, struggle to communicate, shut out other people and reject new ideas.

Feeling trapped, out of control and unable to find a way out, they can become extremely critical of others, lashing out, blaming and finding fault with everything and everyone as they try to regain control. For some ENFPs, this can develop into a focus on routine and order, and a strict demand that everything is done their way.

ENFPs under stress also fail to see any fault in themselves. They deceive themselves as a way of coping, pretending that they are not at fault. Eventually, however, they can feel hopeless and depressed as their energy turns inward and they begin to feel numb inside.

This normally energetic type also feels the effects of stress physically, becoming exhausted and suffering from fatigue. Their tendency to give too much and do too much can make them neglect their own needs for sleep, rest and relaxation.

Unfortunately, this type is the least likely to recognize when stress has affected them and it’s only when they become ill or a crisis occurs that they realize how stressed out they’ve become.

source

Then, I was thinking about the reasons why things happened. Fortunately, I finally cracked some of my own code. The sudden responses from my body, either physical, thinking, or hormonal may driven by a psychological unstable condition. Which, (perhaps) has a tendency driven by my personality. I don’t even sure that my viewpoint about this is right or wrong, but it’s the best logic I can think about. Perhaps if someone by chance read this post and has a better explanation (theory included will be cool), I’d love to read and discuss. 

Takut Terlupa

Katamu, sudah bulat tekad ingin pergi. Entah untuk berapa lama. Tapi kamu memang tidak ingin kembali ke kota di mana keluargamu berkumpul. Di mana mereka telalu menekan, telalu sibuk dengan ego masing-masing hingga kamu merasa tidak dipahami. Tapi jujur, rencana kepergianmu terus menghantuiku. Memunculkan segala ketakutan akan kemungkinan yang dapat terjadi.

Sebuah pertanyaan pada suatu malam, membuatku memikirkan kemungkinan bahwa kamu tidak akan kembali. Dari awalpun, saat rasa ini belum kusadari, aku beberapa kali berkata ingin selalu bisa menemukanmu. Di manapun kamu, sebagai apapun kita, aku ingin menjadi orang menjaga dan dijaga hubungan baik, kedekatan, pengakuan pribadi, yang akan selalu abadi.

Pernahkah aku bercerita tentang Someone Like You-nya Adele yang pernah aku hindari hingga 2015? Sekarang, lagu itu jadi masuk akal. Bila aku tidak layak untukmu, pun begitu kamu untukku, aku berharap bisa menemukan orang sepertimu. Karena si orang sepertimu mungkin memiliki hal-hal yang aku kagumi, yang aku inginkan, yang membuatku menemukan diri sendiri, dihargai, dimengerti, didengarkan, dipahami, diterima dalam satu waktu, hal yang tidak pernah aku temukan di orang lain. Namun, adakah orang sepertimu?

Kamu pernah bilang ingin menemukanmu versi wanita. Aku bilang bahwa kamu hanya satu, yang mirip ada, tapi bukan kamu. Kita akhirnya menyamakan persepsi tentang hal itu. Maka aku ingin, jika bukan kamu, bisa menemukan versi pria yang mirip dengamu. Jutaan bahkan miliaran manusia di muka bumi, aku yakin akan ada satu atau dua yang sepertimu. Namun, bisakah aku menemukannya? Hanya untukku? Untuk jadi milikku?

Hal yang paling menggaggu mungkin bukan fakta bahwa kamu akan pergi, namun hal yang dapat terjadi setelahnya. Aku takut dilupakan. Bukanlah hal mudah untukku yang selalu menjaga hubungan dengan mereka yang berharga, memikirkan jika aku akan menjadi orang yang terlupakan, oleh kamu yang telah menempati posisi kuat dalam hidupku. Bila terjadi, hal tersebut akan jadi kehilangan terbesar untukku. Kehilangan sebagian diriku yang bersemayam dalam dirimu.

Untuk sekarang, aku hanya melakukan apa yang aku bisa. Biarlah rasaku padamu tetap menjadi rasaku. Kamu hanya perlu tahu bahwa ada yang peduli padamu, tanpa perlu ikut pusing memikirkannya. Tidak lagi aku punya kekuatan untuk berharap dibalas. Ingin, tentu. Tapi aku simpan dalam-dalam agar harap tidak bisa menyakitiku.

Aku sadar, memang tidak semua dapat berjalan atas mauku. Tidak juga aku bisa mengatur-atur hidupmu. Karena bisaku adalah mengatur hidupku. Tapi tolong, untuk hal ini, sekali ini, aku sangat berharap pada yang ini. Jangan lupakan aku.

Mari Bercerita

Kalau rindu harus apa?

Rindu saat kamu masih punya banyak waktu luang
Rindu saat aku belum dipusingkan dengan bab-bab yang harus diselesaikan
Rindu saat kamu duduk dengan tenang membaca buku
Rindu saat aku tiba-tiba bisa menemukanmu di kedai kuning atau cokelat
di meja dengan dua kursi atau di bar
Rindu saat kamu berbagi segala pengetahuan yang baru dipelajari
Rindu saat aku dengan semangat mengeluarkan pertanyaan dengan takjub
Rindu saat kamu menceritakan hal-hal terdalam
Rindu saat aku semakin menemukan persamaan antara kita
Rindu saat kamu ingin dimengerti
Rindu saat aku ingin didengarkan
Atau kebalikannya.

Jadi, kapan kita bisa melakukan itu semua lagi?
Katamu, harus sabar.
Katamu, tidak boleh berasumsi.
Kataku, things take time and we’re all will be okay.

Maybe, your “someday” is almost here.