An Open Letter to The One Who Understands: I’ve Found Another You

Unlike you who wished to meet your copy, I prayed to God to meet someone like you. After what happened, after what you did, after all the things I have realized about us, I wanted to make things right.

I wanted to be close to someone who understands, the one who listens, who tries so hard not to judge publicly, who puts honesty and sincerity as priority, who strives for harmony, who cares deeply, who’s able to keep me on the ground while I’m flying high with my head, who trusts me to help, whom I could give my attention and everything needed to thrive together, who keeps the manner. Someone who is just like you, or as one of our friend said: “Someone who has characteristic and quality I desired and by chance, is like you.”

Fortunately, If I trace back from the period of our cold and formal separation until now, God has granted my prayer. I don’t have to look far for that person, I don’t even have to look. He that has been given to me is the same person we talked about how did I get rid of feelings that had got in me for years. At some point, I did afraid of welcoming back the feeling you have helped me erasing. But no. Because he seems just like you, he also doesn’t see me the way I wanted you to see me or the way I wanted him to see me years ago. I do treat him the way I did treat you, but I don’t give the same feeling as I gave to you, or I gave to him years ago. I want to treat him right, respecting by simply embrace his presence for he is.

The plus point of this person is we have known each other for years, unlike us who know each other for less than two years. I could tell anything without getting awkward and show my vulnerable side without worrying he would left. Sometimes, if I said that I found my mirror in you, this person feels like half of my soul. If you understood my chaotic mind, he translates it so that anyone could understand too.

Dear You, thank you that you came and left. Thank you I learned a lot. Thank you for making me understand my self like never before. I thought to lose you was like losing my half-self, but it turns out not that significant compared to IF I lose this person.

I don’t ask anything from him, I’m not waiting for anyone anymore, I don’t beg people to stay. If they want to stay, please stay. If they want to leave, like you, please leave. Losing is tiring and aching, but I know my worth and it’d be your loss.

Once again, thank you for the lessons you gave. Shizz I’m in tears.
T

_____
15:11 WIB
Monday, June 3rd 2019/Monday, Ramadan 29th 1440
On Commuter Line from Sudirman to Depok Station, just got back from Bandung to Jakarta. My chest felt tight, greater area of Bandung has always had you in its every corner.

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Thank You for Existing

Seorang teman mengajak bertemu. Well, seorang teman itu siapa lagi kalo bukan Nabilla Reysa Utami a.k.a Echa a.k.a juragan kale chips. Diawali dari “Cha, gue butuh temen buat dengerin nangis. Prefer ketemu sih.” “Oke, Cipete gimana?”

Pergilah kami ke Teh Tarik Aceh dengan pertimbangan aku lapar, ia sedang sedih jadi akan sangat baik jika kami makan comfort food, di sana ada Recharge karena charger ketinggalan di kantor HAHA, di sana ada wifi untuk ngelanjutin mock-up web dengan wix yang berat itu, dan harga di menunya terjangkau.

Setelah berbincang cukup panjang tentang questions, quarter-life crisis, peran kami untuk diri sendiri dan di lingkungan, justifikasi terhadap apapun yang dihadapi, bagaimana kami belum punya apa-apa hingga waktulah yang dapat kami beri, tentang transaksionalnya hubungan manusia, sampailah ia pada kata-kata:
“Gue mau berterima kasih sih ke nyokap lo, because of her, you exist. Karena beliau udah ngedidik anaknya jadi kayak gini.”

Continue reading “Thank You for Existing”

Start Somewhere Else

I think it’s good to start a new life somewhere else. Start with a small circle, fewer responsibilities, leaving this all behind and never look back. Well, visit once per two years might be good.

Start at somewhere no one knows our story, keeps us mysterious, clean and clear, looks simple, no small talk, just a regular one intended to know “the new neighbor”. Perhaps create a new hobby would be refreshing. New life, new society, new activity, or new identity would be better.

It’s warm Sunday afternoon, beautifully spent with family, comfort food, and good books but I still want to move.

//16:15

Lemari

Lemarimu penuh dan aku gak suka berjejal dalam ruangan sempit. Rapikan, buang yang gak lagi perlu. Kalau memang gak mau usaha beres-beres, jangan beli isi baru. Makanya cari kualitas dan sesuai dengan yang kamu suka, agar awet. Lemari tambahan bukan solusi, malah bikin mubazir dan mempersempit rumah. Lagian, emang kamu bisa bayarnya? Itu kan gak ternilai.

Bukan karena lemah, tapi hanya lelah selalu mengalah yang berujung pergi dan menyendiri. Dalihnya untuk menjaga diri. Sejengkal dua jengkal benar, sisanya masih misteri.

P.s. Lemariku sudah rapih

Titik

Explaining is tiring, hope it’s worth it.

Siapa sangka hari ini jadi Hari Menjelaskan Sedunia. Setelah semua ditekan karena anggapan bahwa aku terlalu transparan hingga tidak lagi punya sisi misterius yang menggelitik rasa penasaran, membiarkan isu jadi tebak-tebakan, yang ada tebakannya banyak keliru. Kan gatal ingin meluruskan. Continue reading “Titik”

Why me?

I love how people can see through me. Acknowledge my potential, define me in their life, even if they want, put me on their priority list. I love how they can tell something I don’t know or realize, even encourage me to feel what I assumed unrequited as it turns out our feelings are mutual.

It’s simply because it was so tiring to do things alone, to feel some things alone, to fight alone. I rarely feel lonely or sad, as blooming flowers in a pot can bring excitement, summer breeze in a bright morning triggered an unstoppable smile. But when I reviewed what happened that day or that week or that month, I often found myself alone. If everything was supportive and so on, I could just sleep until the sun arose from the back of the east side. If it wasn’t, I might have trouble to sleep or wake up with a clear mind.

Days already have shits, it’s not my job to make them worse.

Mood Turbulence

I have no idea what happened to me on Wed, Thu, and Fri. A week before the D-Day, I had super low self-esteem. I felt like a crap who got no purpose in life. I felt like no one cares about my existence. Like I was only a bunch of blood streams, bones, fats, meats, connected, organized, functioned as it is. A formality with no value attached. Perhaps, it was the result of realizing what has happened between me and some people from the past. Why the hell I was so melancholic about days before today? Was it because the past is absolute, as no one can change it?

Continue reading “Mood Turbulence”

Uty, whom I admired

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Meeting with Uty was incredible. We always meet in sudden occurrences, having a short and a full understanding of each other. No burdens to talk about e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. The one whom I admire and respect since our KKN days in Ciranjeng for her bluntness, her effortless traits, her sincerity, her wild habit but got the attitude and family-oriented girl. From the talk we did, she stated:

“You perceive everything is fun, Cha.”

Continue reading “Uty, whom I admired”

missing my mirror

a dominant Ti with inferior Fe told the aux Fi with tertiary Te not to show feeling. now she’s clueless what to do, as if her life has been wronged this whole time. she remembered the aux Fe with tertiary Ti said: “why do you have to listen to other people?”

she understood the concept and always wanted to do it, but somehow she couldn’t. she misses her mirror, for telling her something she can’t, to give her hope that she has the potential to do that thing.

she also needs her counterpart, the dominant Fi with inferior Te who has been busy a whole month. she needs ears to listen, not words to tell her what to do something she isn’t.

perhaps, planning to meet her clan would be better.

Diam

Aku berusaha, kau tahu? Berusaha mempercepat prosesnya agar tidak terlalu lama tenggelam dalam rasa sesak, dengan mencoba sangat-sangat biasa di depanmu.

Melihat siluetmu yang baru datang dari balik kaca buram, dengan perpaduan warna merah dan putih, memberiku tekad, “Aku bisa, lihat ya.”

Nyatanya, teko leher angsa yang airnya mengaduk-aduk bubuk kopi di atas coffee filter jadi agak bergetar setelah aku berhasil menyapamu seperti aku menyapa yang lain. Jemariku langsung dingin. Sial, hardikku dalam hati. Untungnya, getaran teko leher angsa itu tidak terlalu kentara untuk disadari seisi ruang. Jangan lihat, jangan lihat, aku mengingatkan mata untuk tetap fokus pada bubuk kopi yang blooming di depan mata. Kopi sudah jadi, aroma menguar, aku keluar, bergabung di meja dengan yang lain. Aku memfokuskan diri pada fakta bahwa teman-temanku belum mengabari untuk selebrasi sidang hari itu. Lihat grup, jangan lihat ke samping. Nikmati kopimu, rasakan aftertaste banana dan caramel-nya. Fokus, jangan lihat ke samping. Kataku dalam hati, di pojok ruangan, di meja untuk berdua, di samping tas-tas, sejajar horizontal denganmu. Sial, hardikku lagi setelah diberi kabar bahwa selebrasi sedang dilangsungkan. Aku harus pergi sekarang. Maka aku pamit, dengan tidak melihatmu. Menghindari kontak mata atau hal-hal personal lainnya. Menjaga nada suara untuk tetap biasa, menyembunyikan rasa yang sejak tadi berusaha menarik ujung-ujung bibir untuk tersungging.

Ini, aku lampirkan lagu yang ingin aku kirimkan sebagai pesan untukmu. Baca ya liriknya. Aku tahu kamu tahu, kan aku tahu lagu ini juga dari kamu.

Payung Teduh – Diam

Tebaran merah dilemparkan matahari

Dia bercengkrama diujung langit

Bayangan terpaku di tanah

Jiwaku tenggelam di dasar rumput

Aku ingin melihatmu dalam gelap

Yang mulai datang

Aku ingin menyelamimu

Dalam risau yang sering datang Aku ingin diam bersamamu

Dalam rangkulan malam