Start Somewhere Else

I think it’s good to start a new life somewhere else. Start with a small circle, fewer responsibilities, leaving this all behind and never look back. Well, visit once per two years might be good.

Start at somewhere no one knows our story, keeps us mysterious, clean and clear, looks simple, no small talk, just a regular one intended to know “the new neighbor”. Perhaps create a new hobby would be refreshing. New life, new society, new activity, or new identity would be better.

It’s warm Sunday afternoon, beautifully spent with family, comfort food, and good books but I still want to move.

//16:15

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Lemari

Lemarimu penuh dan aku gak suka berjejal dalam ruangan sempit. Rapikan, buang yang gak lagi perlu. Kalau memang gak mau usaha beres-beres, jangan beli isi baru. Makanya cari kualitas dan sesuai dengan yang kamu suka, agar awet. Lemari tambahan bukan solusi, malah bikin mubazir dan mempersempit rumah. Lagian, emang kamu bisa bayarnya? Itu kan gak ternilai.

Bukan karena lemah, tapi hanya lelah selalu mengalah yang berujung pergi dan menyendiri. Dalihnya untuk menjaga diri. Sejengkal dua jengkal benar, sisanya masih misteri.

P.s. Lemariku sudah rapih

Why me?

I love how people can see through me. Acknowledge my potential, define me in their life, even if they want, put me on their priority list. I love how they can tell something I don’t know or realize, even encourage me to feel what I assumed unrequited as it turns out our feelings are mutual.

It’s simply because it was so tiring to do things alone, to feel some things alone, to fight alone. I rarely feel lonely or sad, as blooming flowers in a pot can bring excitement, summer breeze in a bright morning triggered an unstoppable smile. But when I reviewed what happened that day or that week or that month, I often found myself alone. If everything was supportive and so on, I could just sleep until the sun arose from the back of the east side. If it wasn’t, I might have trouble to sleep or wake up with a clear mind.

Days already have shits, it’s not my job to make them worse.

Mood Turbulence

I have no idea what happened to me on Wed, Thu, and Fri. A week before the D-Day, I had super low self-esteem. I felt like a crap who got no purpose in life. I felt like no one cares about my existence. Like I was only a bunch of blood streams, bones, fats, meats, connected, organized, functioned as it is. A formality with no value attached. Perhaps, it was the result of realizing what has happened between me and some people from the past. Why the hell I was so melancholic about days before today? Was it because the past is absolute, as no one can change it?

Continue reading “Mood Turbulence”

Uty, whom I admired

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Meeting with Uty was incredible. We always meet in sudden occurrences, having a short and a full understanding of each other. No burdens to talk about e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. The one whom I admire and respect since our KKN days in Ciranjeng for her bluntness, her effortless traits, her sincerity, her wild habit but got the attitude and family-oriented girl. From the talk we did, she stated:

“You perceive everything is fun, Cha.”

Continue reading “Uty, whom I admired”

missing my mirror

a dominant Ti with inferior Fe told the aux Fi with tertiary Te not to show feeling. now she’s clueless what to do, as if her life has been wronged this whole time. she remembered the aux Fe with tertiary Ti said: “why do you have to listen to other people?”

she understood the concept and always wanted to do it, but somehow she couldn’t. she misses her mirror, for telling her something she can’t, to give her hope that she has the potential to do that thing.

she also needs her counterpart, the dominant Fi with inferior Te who has been busy a whole month. she needs ears to listen, not words to tell her what to do something she isn’t.

perhaps, planning to meet her clan would be better.

Diam

Aku berusaha, kau tahu? Berusaha mempercepat prosesnya agar tidak terlalu lama tenggelam dalam rasa sesak, dengan mencoba sangat-sangat biasa di depanmu.

Melihat siluetmu yang baru datang dari balik kaca buram, dengan perpaduan warna merah dan putih, memberiku tekad, “Aku bisa, lihat ya.”

Nyatanya, teko leher angsa yang airnya mengaduk-aduk bubuk kopi di atas coffee filter jadi agak bergetar setelah aku berhasil menyapamu seperti aku menyapa yang lain. Jemariku langsung dingin. Sial, hardikku dalam hati. Untungnya, getaran teko leher angsa itu tidak terlalu kentara untuk disadari seisi ruang. Jangan lihat, jangan lihat, aku mengingatkan mata untuk tetap fokus pada bubuk kopi yang blooming di depan mata. Kopi sudah jadi, aroma menguar, aku keluar, bergabung di meja dengan yang lain. Aku memfokuskan diri pada fakta bahwa teman-temanku belum mengabari untuk selebrasi sidang hari itu. Lihat grup, jangan lihat ke samping. Nikmati kopimu, rasakan aftertaste banana dan caramel-nya. Fokus, jangan lihat ke samping. Kataku dalam hati, di pojok ruangan, di meja untuk berdua, di samping tas-tas, sejajar horizontal denganmu. Sial, hardikku lagi setelah diberi kabar bahwa selebrasi sedang dilangsungkan. Aku harus pergi sekarang. Maka aku pamit, dengan tidak melihatmu. Menghindari kontak mata atau hal-hal personal lainnya. Menjaga nada suara untuk tetap biasa, menyembunyikan rasa yang sejak tadi berusaha menarik ujung-ujung bibir untuk tersungging.

Ini, aku lampirkan lagu yang ingin aku kirimkan sebagai pesan untukmu. Baca ya liriknya. Aku tahu kamu tahu, kan aku tahu lagu ini juga dari kamu.

Payung Teduh – Diam

Tebaran merah dilemparkan matahari

Dia bercengkrama diujung langit

Bayangan terpaku di tanah

Jiwaku tenggelam di dasar rumput

Aku ingin melihatmu dalam gelap

Yang mulai datang

Aku ingin menyelamimu

Dalam risau yang sering datang Aku ingin diam bersamamu

Dalam rangkulan malam

the stare

the stare that checked people around
the stare that checked if i was truly happy
or tried to look happy
the stare that confused me

the stare that answered my questions
later

with a bitter fact
and some
other facts
about one’s
confusing
unidentified traits

the stare that made me
truly
wanted to
looking everywhere
to walk beside
the owner of the stare

the one who
deeply
care

like i do


one dry afternoon, crowded parking lot turned into a place where people gather to take pics, to be fully happy about one’s achievement. where good times happened, wtf the next.

while i was trying my best to humanizing my closest people, take them deeply, listen to them carefully, be there for them happily, the one that i put my focus into, perceived me seeing him as a puzzle, a thing. once the mystery solved, it’ll be over. i didn’t see him as a person, he said.

well, i do see him as a puzzle but not a thing. it’s a metaphor, you know. like i’m a puzzle that can be completed by his puzzle self. like my and his every edges are meant to be clicked just how it is. seeing someone as something you can play then leave is harsh and shallow, where is the humanity lies within it?

his statement do hurt me. as the one who tries to appreciate the existence of oneself, disregarded by the one who couldn’t accept the presence of my feelings, by seeing me as superficial, let me down. not only i feel like losing my worth, but also making him disappoint to have such a wrongful idea about me.

well, perhaps he just didn’t like me to care about him and tried to find a reason to refuse a pleasure of being loved.