Titik

Explaining is tiring, hope it’s worth it.

Siapa sangka hari ini jadi Hari Menjelaskan Sedunia. Setelah semua ditekan karena anggapan bahwa aku terlalu transparan hingga tidak lagi punya sisi misterius yang menggelitik rasa penasaran, membiarkan isu jadi tebak-tebakan, yang ada tebakannya banyak keliru. Kan gatal ingin meluruskan.

Sebuah travel melaju menuju kota dari kecamatan nun jauh di sana, kami duduk di dalamnya sambil membicarakan ini itu. Di tengah upaya menahan rasa kantuk, tanpa sadar aku berkata 
“Mungkin aku yang dulu punya titik tuju, titik fokus, yang sekarang gak lagi bisa digenggam. Mungkin aku yang sekarang sedang mencari titik.” Lalu terucap sebuah penegasan sebelum terlelap, dari ia yang mendengarkan di sebelah kanan, “Hmm titik ya.”

Mengapa sebuah Titik yang sederhana bisa bermakna besar dalam diri seseorang? Mungkin aku terlalu sering melihat hal-hal kecil, hingga titikpun seakan besar dan spesial, atau hanya perumpamaan yang dapat dimengerti. 

Ini, bukan berarti pandai membesar-besarkan masalah. Malah, sebisa mungkin menghindarinya dengan memaklumi dan cenderung menganggap diri yang bersalah. Entahlah, daripada merugikan orang lain kan.

Saat bangun, hal pertama yang teringat adalah penegasan tentang keberadaan Titik. Pernah aku bercerita tentang Titik pada caption post di Instagram Januari lalu, dalam #30HariBercerita. Saat itu, temanya Titik. Saat itu, kebingungan menangkup rasa hingga jemari tak kuasa membuat asa. Katanya, 

Aku harap dapat menjadi titik.
Bentuk paling sederhana yang paling krusial.
Menjadi alasan berjalannya sistem,
menandakan keberadaan sebuah letak,
memungkinkan berjalannya suatu format,
menjaga sebuah pesan dalam kode rahasia,
memberi penegasan makna,
menjadi pembentuk ciri khas,
membentuk sebuah jawaban
dari titik-titik lain
yang terhubung,
memegang berbagai peran
yang dibutuhkan,
merapikan kerumitan susunan pesan,
sebagai pengganti
saat huruf maupun angka
tak lagi sanggup menggambarkan
maksud,
menjadi akhir paling manis,
sebagai pembuka lembaran baru,
yang ada dalam
segala aspek
kehidupanmu.

Tak disangka, menjadi dan mencari titik tidak berhenti pada saat itu. Mungkin tahun depan, cerita tentang ‘Titik’ dapat diteruskan. Entah saat masih mencari atau telah menemukan, untuk mengisi bagian yang rumpang.

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Why me?

I love how people can see through me. Acknowledge my potential, define me in their life, even if they want, put me on their priority list. I love how they can tell something I don’t know or realize, even encourage me to feel what I assumed unrequited as it turns out our feelings are mutual.

It’s simply because it was so tiring to do things alone, to feel some things alone, to fight alone. I rarely feel lonely or sad, as blooming flowers in a pot can bring excitement, summer breeze in a bright morning triggered an unstoppable smile. But when I reviewed what happened that day or that week or that month, I often found myself alone. If everything was supportive and so on, I could just sleep until the sun arose from the back of the east side. If it wasn’t, I might have trouble to sleep or wake up with a clear mind.

Days already have shits, it’s not my job to make them worse.

Mood Turbulence

I have no idea what happened to me on Wed, Thu, and Fri. A week before the D-Day, I had super low self-esteem. I felt like a crap who got no purpose in life. I felt like no one cares about my existence. Like I was only a bunch of bloodstream, bones, fats, meats, connected, organized, functioned as it is. A formality with no value attached. Perhaps, it was the result of realizing what has happened between me and some people from the past. Why the hell I was so melancholic about days before today? Was it because past is absolute, as no one can change it?

Continue reading “Mood Turbulence”

Uty, whom I admired

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Meeting with Uty was incredible. We always meet in sudden occurrences, having a short and full understanding of each other. No burdens to talk about e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. The one whom I admire and respect since our KKN days in Ciranjeng for her bluntness, her effortless traits, her sincerity, her wild habit but got the attitude and family-oriented girl. From the talk we did, she stated:

“You perceive everything is fun, Cha.”

Well, I didn’t realize that I became a girl who’s passionate about doing what’s fun. Tho I often said that I do what I love, I didn’t know that people realize of me. I thought they only care with their sh*ts. To grasp that someone is comfortable with my presence, appreciates my being, accepts who I am, my excitement, my flaws, my perplexity, somehow heightens my self-love and self-worth. Without judgment, the way she responded me was effin’ good which I’d pay the same prize to her.

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About her statement: indeed. People may see me love everything and everyone, tho I’m not. I have things and people I’m not comfortable with and tend to avoid them instead of showing no respect. I respect one’s existence and fully aware that we’re having distinct events and cases in our past that shaped into who we are. It related to how we respond things, what we like and don’t like. The awareness turned me into someone who let anyone do what they like, as I do what I like. I encourage them to get what their heart wants, as I encourage mine. It’s them to choose, it’s them who set their limit and I do nothing about it. I may show my standpoint without trying to push them to agree. It’s them to decide.

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At the end of the day, she went to her office while I’m staying at Mimiti to do some works before going back to Depok. The blessed feeling after meeting Uty strengthened by Mimiti’s coffee smell all over the room. I ordered Americano and Soft Choco Cheese Brownies, surprisingly very satisfied with their servings. Its decent Americano has a strong aftertaste with no bitter left, proved they take it seriously.

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Bonus:
“Cha, you can see something in people that others can’t.”
“I’ve heard it a lot.”

missing my mirror

a dominant Ti with inferior Fe told the aux Fi with tertiary Te not to show feeling. now she’s clueless what to do, as if her life has been wronged this whole time. she remembered the aux Fe with tertiary Ti said: “why do you have to listen to other people?”

she understood the concept and always wanted to do it, but somehow she couldn’t. she misses her mirror, for telling her something she can’t, to give her hope that she has the potential to do that thing.

she also needs her counterpart, the dominant Fi with inferior Te who has been busy a whole month. she needs ears to listen, not words to tell her what to do something she isn’t.

perhaps, planning to meet her clan would be better.

Diam

Aku berusaha, kau tahu? Berusaha mempercepat prosesnya agar tidak terlalu lama tenggelam dalam rasa sesak, dengan mencoba sangat-sangat biasa di depanmu.

Melihat siluetmu yang baru datang dari balik kaca buram, dengan perpaduan warna merah dan putih, memberiku tekad, “Aku bisa, lihat ya.”

Nyatanya, teko leher angsa yang airnya mengaduk-aduk bubuk kopi di atas coffee filter jadi agak bergetar setelah aku berhasil menyapamu seperti aku menyapa yang lain. Jemariku langsung dingin. Sial, hardikku dalam hati. Untungnya, getaran teko leher angsa itu tidak terlalu kentara untuk disadari seisi ruang. Jangan lihat, jangan lihat, aku mengingatkan mata untuk tetap fokus pada bubuk kopi yang blooming di depan mata. Kopi sudah jadi, aroma menguar, aku keluar, bergabung di meja dengan yang lain. Aku memfokuskan diri pada fakta bahwa teman-temanku belum mengabari untuk selebrasi sidang hari itu. Lihat grup, jangan lihat ke samping. Nikmati kopimu, rasakan aftertaste banana dan caramel-nya. Fokus, jangan lihat ke samping. Kataku dalam hati, di pojok ruangan, di meja untuk berdua, di samping tas-tas, sejajar horizontal denganmu. Sial, hardikku lagi setelah diberi kabar bahwa selebrasi sedang dilangsungkan. Aku harus pergi sekarang. Maka aku pamit, dengan tidak melihatmu. Menghindari kontak mata atau hal-hal personal lainnya. Menjaga nada suara untuk tetap biasa, menyembunyikan rasa yang sejak tadi berusaha menarik ujung-ujung bibir untuk tersungging.

Ini, aku lampirkan lagu yang ingin aku kirimkan sebagai pesan untukmu. Baca ya liriknya. Aku tahu kamu tahu, kan aku tahu lagu ini juga dari kamu.

Payung Teduh – Diam

Tebaran merah dilemparkan matahari
Dia bercengkrama diujung langit
Bayangan terpaku di tanah
Jiwaku tenggelam di dasar rumput
Aku ingin melihatmu dalam gelap
Yang mulai datang
Aku ingin menyelamimu
Dalam risau yang sering datang Aku ingin diam bersamamu
Dalam rangkulan malam

the stare

the stare that checked people around
the stare that checked if i was truly happy
or tried to look happy
the stare that confused me

the stare that answered my questions
later

with a bitter fact
and some
other facts
about one’s
confusing
unidentified traits

the stare that made me
truly
wanted to
looking everywhere
to walk beside
the owner of the stare

the one who
deeply
care

like i do


one dry afternoon, crowded parking lot turned into a place where people gather to take pics, to be fully happy about one’s achievement. where good times happened, wtf the next.

while i was trying my best to humanizing my closest people, take them deeply, listen to them carefully, be there for them happily, the one that i put my focus into, perceived me seeing him as a puzzle, a thing. once the mystery solved, it’ll be over. i didn’t see him as a person, he said.

well, i do see him as a puzzle but not a thing. it’s a metaphor, you know. like i’m a puzzle that can be completed by his puzzle self. like my and his every edges are meant to be clicked just how it is. seeing someone as something you can play then leave is harsh and shallow, where is the humanity lies within it?

his statement do hurt me. as the one who tries to appreciate the existence of oneself, disregarded by the one who couldn’t accept the presence of my feelings, by seeing me as superficial, let me down. not only i feel like losing my worth, but also making him disappoint to have such a wrongful idea about me.

well, perhaps he just didn’t like me to care about him and tried to find a reason to refuse a pleasure of being loved.

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Last week, I begged to myself that I was enough. I subtly asked whoever passed me on whichever street I walked, through the universe, for saying these all were enough. It was tiring tho, to feel that way. But again, I passed it.

Naive

say that i’m naive
perhaps
it’s because i’m trying
to see
the good in everything

when i’m not
it’s humanize me

days are meant to
have ups and downs
be okay
is what keeps me
sane

and that’s all i need