An Open Letter to The One Who Understands: I’ve Found Another You

Unlike you who wished to meet your copy, I prayed to God to meet someone like you. After what happened, after what you did, after all the things I have realized about us, I wanted to make things right.

I wanted to be close to someone who understands, the one who listens, who tries so hard not to judge publicly, who puts honesty and sincerity as priority, who strives for harmony, who cares deeply, who’s able to keep me on the ground while I’m flying high with my head, who trusts me to help, whom I could give my attention and everything needed to thrive together, who keeps the manner. Someone who is just like you, or as one of our friend said: “Someone who has characteristic and quality I desired and by chance, is like you.”

Fortunately, If I trace back from the period of our cold and formal separation until now, God has granted my prayer. I don’t have to look far for that person, I don’t even have to look. He that has been given to me is the same person we talked about how did I get rid of feelings that had got in me for years. At some point, I did afraid of welcoming back the feeling you have helped me erasing. But no. Because he seems just like you, he also doesn’t see me the way I wanted you to see me or the way I wanted him to see me years ago. I do treat him the way I did treat you, but I don’t give the same feeling as I gave to you, or I gave to him years ago. I want to treat him right, respecting by simply embrace his presence for he is.

The plus point of this person is we have known each other for years, unlike us who know each other for less than two years. I could tell anything without getting awkward and show my vulnerable side without worrying he would left. Sometimes, if I said that I found my mirror in you, this person feels like half of my soul. If you understood my chaotic mind, he translates it so that anyone could understand too.

Dear You, thank you that you came and left. Thank you I learned a lot. Thank you for making me understand my self like never before. I thought to lose you was like losing my half-self, but it turns out not that significant compared to IF I lose this person.

I don’t ask anything from him, I’m not waiting for anyone anymore, I don’t beg people to stay. If they want to stay, please stay. If they want to leave, like you, please leave. Losing is tiring and aching, but I know my worth and it’d be your loss.

Once again, thank you for the lessons you gave. Shizz I’m in tears.
T

_____
15:11 WIB
Monday, June 3rd 2019/Monday, Ramadan 29th 1440
On Commuter Line from Sudirman to Depok Station, just got back from Bandung to Jakarta. My chest felt tight, greater area of Bandung has always had you in its every corner.

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Dear Mas

It’s funny how we used to be “adek-kakak” for the sake of using “aku-kamu” and now the term has shifted to “mas” to mimic your sister, as well as the feeling I had,  has gone for good. Instead, it turned into something beyond. The most genuine I’ve known my whole life, when I only want you to have the best of the best, to do what you desired, be there when you need without being selfless, being open as we become a super best friends like family. Your inspiring bunda feels like mine, your lil’ sister matches my spirit animal.

Thank you Mas for everything. For years you taught me how to be strong, to recognize feelings I hardly understand by the aching in my chest, invited me to whatever projects you held, gave me chances to grow and develop myself, let me have a spot in your life.

You were my inspiration to write, my motivation to learn about short movie production, to express myself, to keep on smiling, etc. Those things internalized and became some things I enjoy. You might be the one who lit the fire, but I’m the one who keeps it alive. You’re the reason why I started, but I’m the reason why I keep going.

Hope you’ll never burn our bridge that has built for years, because I won’t let anyone who came and ever stayed, leave. Once you live in me, you’ll be there forever. Even if one day someone builds a home in me, everyone will still have their place. My heart is quite big to love them all, that’s why I do Priority. Who’s mattered come first. Looking forward to our extraordinary journey ahead! The challenges, mysteries to be solved, things to be made, knowledge to be delivered, etc. Wish you’ll get tons of luck!

Happy birthday,
Love you, but in a different way.

“Cha, makasih ya.”

“Iya mas, makasih juga. Kalo kemarin gue bilang gak bisa, mas kepikirannya siapa?”

“Gak ada, ya dikerjain sendiri. Belom ada yang bisa gantiin lo sama si Ndut. Gak tau deh bakal ada atau enggak.”

“Gak apa-apa, gue gak kemana-mana. Sekarang gue gak nyari mas, nunggu orang yang cari gue.”

“Kayak Yana?”

“Iya, kayak Yana. Dia hampir selalu nyari gue, makanya gue cari balik. Dengan kayak gitu, gue jadi tau siapa yang mau untuk gue isi hari-harinya, gue temenin, dengerin ceritanya, ketawa bareng, lengkapi idenya, diskusi untuk cari solusi, dipahami dan memahami, bantu kalo ada masalah.”

Tentang titik pertemuan; menemukan atau ditemukan, mencari atau dicari. Saling.

Matanya menghangat, larut dalam rasa takut. Seperti berjalan dalam ruang penuh kaca tipis. Salah salah bisa terinjak dan pecah, merusak kaca menjadi kepingan, juga melukai kaki hingga mengalir darah. Menyudutkan keinginan untuk memiliki harapan.

Matanya menghangat, ingin lelap dalam larutnya malam. Namun kata-kata membajak ke sudut-sudut pikirannya. Mencoba menjelaskan seonggok rasa. Orang bilang sulit deskripsikan rasa, yang lain bilang coba saja tidak akan dosa.

Maka ia coba merangkai kata. Satu demi satu. Usaha yang sia-sia, sepertinya. Karena kepala mulai berputar seiring beratnya mata, mendesak ingin terkatup. Membawanya ke alam mimpi, untuk sejenak melupakan kegundahan.

Orang bilang, tidur adalah cara terbaik untuk sekedar rehat dari segala masalah. Bukan masalahpun, rasanya kata-kata yang menggerayangi dapat sirna seketika. Maka ia coba merebahkan kepala, bersama rintik hujan yang mulai mengetuk jendela.

Matamu bermain
menatap lalu berpaling
menerawang ke awang-awang
lalu tersenyum
sedikit menahan tawa
mungkin malu
mungkin canggung
entahlah

Maaf
aku yang spontan ini
menyambut mereka
yang lama tidak terlihat
menyapa dengan semangat
karena
terlalu senang
terkesan sangat dekat
padahal tidak sedekat
yang mungkin dipikirkan
tapi inilah aku,
yang sekarang

Kembali ke jalur obrolan,
pada jarak proksemik
level pertama,
matamu bermain
menatap lalu berpaling
menerawang ke awang-awang
namun tidak tersenyum
terjadi perubahan yang dirasa
atas sikapku
beberapa menit lalu

Tidak perlu mengaku
aku sudah tahu
dari sikap itu
bahwa kamu
tidak suka begitu
tidak apa
mungkin aku akan
melakukan
yang
sama
sepertimu

“Sometimes you just need a good talk with the right one.” – Annonymous

Langit sore terang benderang, hawanya terlalu menyengat untukku, yang terbiasa dengan suhu sejuk kaki gunung. Nyalanya pendingin ruangan juga tidak ada guna, apalagi ruang ini terang dan freon yang semakin menipis. Entah bagaimana, layanan servis AC bahkan tidak dapat digubris dari sehari sebelum Natal hingga sehari setelahnya. Tidak membantu.

Akupun memutuskan untuk beranjak dari tempat tidur yang terlalu memanjakan tulang punggung.

Continue reading ““Sometimes you just need a good talk with the right one.” – Annonymous”

4.3

Ingat saat kamu menjadi narasumberku tentang couchsurfing? Awalnya tidak sengaja, namun aku jadi tertarik untuk menyelaminya lebih jauh. Hampir loh jadi tema skripsiku. Tapi dari situ, aku mengasah kreatifitasku untuk bisa bertemu denganmu. Bisa dibilang mencari-cari alasan, sebut aja: alasan yang produktif.

Kalo alasannya gak jelas, aku malas ditolak.

Sayup

Sayup kereta terdengar dari kejauhan.
Memberikan suara pada malam dingin di kota ini.
Musim belum juga berganti,
namun tanda-tandanya sudah dapat diamati.

Sayup pesawat terdengar dari atas sana.
Membuat khayal berkelana kesana-kemari.
Tidak untuk menemani dalam sunyi,
tidak pula untuk sedikit bernyanyi.

Sayup azan terdengar dari sisi barat.
Menyadarkan pagi datang memanggil.
Menghempaskan rasa dingin yang mengigil,
untuk segera membasuh tubuh dan menghadap sang ilahi.

Sayup riuh cengkrama terdengar.
Suara yang dikenal menjalarkan getar.
Suara yang dikenal kepunyaanmu, rupanya.
Sayup riuh mimpi semalam tadi, benar adanya.

_____

Riung Endah, Bandung, Agustus 2017