Dear Mas

It’s funny how we used to be “adek-kakak” for the sake of using “aku-kamu” and now the term has shifted to “mas” to mimic your sister, as well as the feeling I had,  has gone for good. Instead, it turned into something beyond. The most genuine I’ve known my whole life, when I only want you to have the best of the best, to do what you desired, be there when you need without being selfless, being open as we become a super best friends like family. Your inspiring bunda feels like mine, your lil’ sister matches my spirit animal.

Thank you Mas for everything. For years you taught me how to be strong, to recognize feelings I hardly understand by the aching in my chest, invited me to whatever projects you held, gave me chances to grow and develop myself, let me have a spot in your life.

You were my inspiration to write, my motivation to learn about short movie production, to express myself, to keep on smiling, etc. Those things internalized and became some things I enjoy. You might be the one who lit the fire, but I’m the one who keeps it alive. You’re the reason why I started, but I’m the reason why I keep going.

Hope you’ll never burn our bridge that has built for years, because I won’t let anyone who came and ever stayed, leave. Once you live in me, you’ll be there forever. Even if one day someone builds a home in me, everyone will still have their place. My heart is quite big to love them all, that’s why I do Priority. Who’s mattered come first. Looking forward to our extraordinary journey ahead! The challenges, mysteries to be solved, things to be made, knowledge to be delivered, etc. Wish you’ll get tons of luck!

Happy birthday,
Love you, but in a different way.

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Why me?

I love how people can see through me. Acknowledge my potential, define me in their life, even if they want, put me on their priority list. I love how they can tell something I don’t know or realize, even encourage me to feel what I assumed unrequited as it turns out our feelings are mutual.

It’s simply because it was so tiring to do things alone, to feel some things alone, to fight alone. I rarely feel lonely or sad, as blooming flowers in a pot can bring excitement, summer breeze in a bright morning triggered an unstoppable smile. But when I reviewed what happened that day or that week or that month, I often found myself alone. If everything was supportive and so on, I could just sleep until the sun arose from the back of the east side. If it wasn’t, I might have trouble to sleep or wake up with a clear mind.

Days already have shits, it’s not my job to make them worse.

Uty, whom I admired

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Meeting with Uty was incredible. We always meet in sudden occurrences, having a short and full understanding of each other. No burdens to talk about e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. The one whom I admire and respect since our KKN days in Ciranjeng for her bluntness, her effortless traits, her sincerity, her wild habit but got the attitude and family-oriented girl. From the talk we did, she stated:

“You perceive everything is fun, Cha.”

Well, I didn’t realize that I became a girl who’s passionate about doing what’s fun. Tho I often said that I do what I love, I didn’t know that people realize of me. I thought they only care with their sh*ts. To grasp that someone is comfortable with my presence, appreciates my being, accepts who I am, my excitement, my flaws, my perplexity, somehow heightens my self-love and self-worth. Without judgment, the way she responded me was effin’ good which I’d pay the same prize to her.

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About her statement: indeed. People may see me love everything and everyone, tho I’m not. I have things and people I’m not comfortable with and tend to avoid them instead of showing no respect. I respect one’s existence and fully aware that we’re having distinct events and cases in our past that shaped into who we are. It related to how we respond things, what we like and don’t like. The awareness turned me into someone who let anyone do what they like, as I do what I like. I encourage them to get what their heart wants, as I encourage mine. It’s them to choose, it’s them who set their limit and I do nothing about it. I may show my standpoint without trying to push them to agree. It’s them to decide.

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At the end of the day, she went to her office while I’m staying at Mimiti to do some works before going back to Depok. The blessed feeling after meeting Uty strengthened by Mimiti’s coffee smell all over the room. I ordered Americano and Soft Choco Cheese Brownies, surprisingly very satisfied with their servings. Its decent Americano has a strong aftertaste with no bitter left, proved they take it seriously.

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Bonus:
“Cha, you can see something in people that others can’t.”
“I’ve heard it a lot.”

Bandung Beruntung

Bandung beruntung, ia dicintai penduduknya. Hingga pendatang penasaran ada apa di dalamnya. Saat mereka datang, merekapun jatuh cinta hingga waktunya mereka pergi. Beberapa yang bertandang sebentarpun paham mengapa Bandung patut dicintai.

Bandung beruntung, ia dicintai penduduknya, para pendatang, hingga mereka yang baru mengenal permukaannya — kecuali di akhir pekan.

24 Oktober 2018
Bandung

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Travel membawaku dari Depok ke Bandung. Begitu turun, aku heran bagaimana kota ini bisa menyejukkan di waktu tanggung antara pagi dan siang. Ternyata, ia memang menyenangkan dan apa adanya.

Mencari Sosok Kopi dalam Cokelat

“Mungkin kamu mencari sosok, mungkin sifatnya ada di sesuatu yang kamu temui, tapi bukan seperti sesuatu itu. Melainkan seperti sosok yang kamu cari tersebut.” – Dinda Amalia Rizki, 01/08/18

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Anak sastra indie ngobrol sama puun.

Keadaan gue sekarang bikin gue gak bisa lagi minum kopi. Gak mungkin gue nikmatin cairan pekat itu, tanpa khawatir kafeinnya bangkitin episode yang merugikan gue dan orang sekitar secara emosional. Gue percaya ada korelasinya antara kafein dengan keadaan gue setelah dokter, psikolog, dan banyak artikel ngebahas tentang Do’s and Don’t’s orang kayak gue.

Gak cuma kopi, gue juga gak dibolehin minum teh. Hal itu bikin cokelat jadi minuman yang menarik untuk dieksplor. Gue cari cokelat paling enak, gue bandingin cokelat di kedai kopi satu dan yang lainnya. Gue agak picky soal ini. Subjektivitas rasa gak mandang tempat mahal atau murah. Gak banyak orang tau kalo selama ini gue masih mencari sosok kopi dalam segelas cokelat. Bukan gue gak bisa nerima sosok cokelat dengan karakteristiknya, tapi cokelat punya sisi pahit dan kafein yang dimiliki juga sama kopi. Ketidakbisaan gue akan kopi bikin gue menaruh ekspektasi pada cokelat yang punya aftertaste kayak kopi. Seperti specialty coffee punya hint rasa teh, rempah, buah, bahkan bunga. Jarang, tapi gue yakin pasti ada.

Sampai suatu hari gue diajak ke food court daerah Kuningan selepas kerja, tempat temen-temen lain ngumpul setelah seharian ditemani sinar matahari dan polusi yang gak bisa dihindari.

Temen-temen gue pesen café latte, gue cari cokelat tapi gak nemu di menu. Daripada lama dan bingung, gue pesen menu yang sama. Kalo sahabat gue tau, yakin banget gue bakal dibilang nakal karena pesen kopi. Tapi yaudah be dia gak ada di sini dan gue tau konsekuensinya. Pesenan café latte gue dateng, gue seruput penuh kenikmatan. Rasanya… enak banget. Gue lupa kapan terakhir minum kopi, jadi gak bisa pastiin kalau rasanya beneran enak atau cuma rindu yang terbayar.

Jujur kali itu agak aneh. Episode yang biasa dateng abis gue curi-curi es kopi susu, gak dateng kayak biasanya. Gue coba minum kopi lagi beberapa kali, tetep gak dateng. Mungkin gue udah membaik, mungkin kecintaan gue pada kopi yang selama ini tertahan jadi sugesti, mungkin lingkungan baru bikin gue berubah. Apapun itu, akhirnya gue pede kalo gue bisa nikmatin kenikmatan yang sempat hilang dan buktiin bahwa gak ada yang gak mungkin.

Sebulan ke belakang emang dinamis banget gue akui. Apakah gue akan tetep mencari cokelat terenak di kedai kopi? Apakah gue masih mencari sosok kopi di dalam cokelat? Liat aja nanti.

20 Oktober 2018
Janjian 2.0, Depok

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Diceritakan pada sebuah pertemuan tiba-tiba yang dibutuhkan untuk bertukar keluhan dan memperdalam pengertian, tentang satu sama lain. Beberapa mungkin bilang bahwa pertemuan seperti itu buang-buang waktu, tapi tidak untukku. Pertemuan berkualitas untuk bertukar visi dan informasi tentang dunia yang luas, melepas lapisan bawang yang lain untuk mencapai inti (lihat: social penetration theory). Untuk saling menguatkan, untuk meyakinkan dalam kesendirian bahwa kita gak sendiri.

Tentang ia yang mengenalkanku pada kopi. Darinya aku belajar bahwa pahit, gelap, dan sedih dapat dinikmati. Kamu hanya perlu menyesuaikan pandangan agar terbiasa dan dapat melihat keindahan di dalamnya.

A love letter for cinnamon rolls

It started with a good smell
I fell for you since the first time I passed a bakery, where you were hanging on the display. but I was on a diet
so I decided not to think about you anymore

I fell on admiration when I discovered the benefit of you + honey + warm water
flat belly was formed as I consumed you regularly
every morning
literally

I fell in love, it got stronger as I understood that you’re not the one that’ll ruin my weight. eat you once in a while won’t be bad.
walking by the bakery, smell the fresh-baked of you and other croissants has been my favorite thing to do
every office-hour morning
if I arrived earlier than I should

I feel like getting permission to love you freely, to buy you with no hesitation, to eat you without regret
my love for you has grown

Thank you, for your existence
My dear cinnamon rolls
(or cinnamon in general)

“Cha, makasih ya.”

“Iya mas, makasih juga. Kalo kemarin gue bilang gak bisa, mas kepikirannya siapa?”

“Gak ada, ya dikerjain sendiri. Belom ada yang bisa gantiin lo sama si Ndut. Gak tau deh bakal ada atau enggak.”

“Gak apa-apa, gue gak kemana-mana. Sekarang gue gak nyari mas, nunggu orang yang cari gue.”

“Kayak Yana?”

“Iya, kayak Yana. Dia hampir selalu nyari gue, makanya gue cari balik. Dengan kayak gitu, gue jadi tau siapa yang mau untuk gue isi hari-harinya, gue temenin, dengerin ceritanya, ketawa bareng, lengkapi idenya, diskusi untuk cari solusi, dipahami dan memahami, bantu kalo ada masalah.”

Tentang titik pertemuan; menemukan atau ditemukan, mencari atau dicari. Saling.

it’s never been anyone’s stage. it’s mine, unless i mention names. you don’t have to worry, really. like you, i don’t like to bother.

Diam

Aku berusaha, kau tahu? Berusaha mempercepat prosesnya agar tidak terlalu lama tenggelam dalam rasa sesak, dengan mencoba sangat-sangat biasa di depanmu.

Melihat siluetmu yang baru datang dari balik kaca buram, dengan perpaduan warna merah dan putih, memberiku tekad, “Aku bisa, lihat ya.”

Nyatanya, teko leher angsa yang airnya mengaduk-aduk bubuk kopi di atas coffee filter jadi agak bergetar setelah aku berhasil menyapamu seperti aku menyapa yang lain. Jemariku langsung dingin. Sial, hardikku dalam hati. Untungnya, getaran teko leher angsa itu tidak terlalu kentara untuk disadari seisi ruang. Jangan lihat, jangan lihat, aku mengingatkan mata untuk tetap fokus pada bubuk kopi yang blooming di depan mata. Kopi sudah jadi, aroma menguar, aku keluar, bergabung di meja dengan yang lain. Aku memfokuskan diri pada fakta bahwa teman-temanku belum mengabari untuk selebrasi sidang hari itu. Lihat grup, jangan lihat ke samping. Nikmati kopimu, rasakan aftertaste banana dan caramel-nya. Fokus, jangan lihat ke samping. Kataku dalam hati, di pojok ruangan, di meja untuk berdua, di samping tas-tas, sejajar horizontal denganmu. Sial, hardikku lagi setelah diberi kabar bahwa selebrasi sedang dilangsungkan. Aku harus pergi sekarang. Maka aku pamit, dengan tidak melihatmu. Menghindari kontak mata atau hal-hal personal lainnya. Menjaga nada suara untuk tetap biasa, menyembunyikan rasa yang sejak tadi berusaha menarik ujung-ujung bibir untuk tersungging.

Ini, aku lampirkan lagu yang ingin aku kirimkan sebagai pesan untukmu. Baca ya liriknya. Aku tahu kamu tahu, kan aku tahu lagu ini juga dari kamu.

Payung Teduh – Diam

Tebaran merah dilemparkan matahari
Dia bercengkrama diujung langit
Bayangan terpaku di tanah
Jiwaku tenggelam di dasar rumput
Aku ingin melihatmu dalam gelap
Yang mulai datang
Aku ingin menyelamimu
Dalam risau yang sering datang Aku ingin diam bersamamu
Dalam rangkulan malam

the stare

the stare that checked people around
the stare that checked if i was truly happy
or tried to look happy
the stare that confused me

the stare that answered my questions
later

with a bitter fact
and some
other facts
about one’s
confusing
unidentified traits

the stare that made me
truly
wanted to
looking everywhere
to walk beside
the owner of the stare

the one who
deeply
care

like i do


one dry afternoon, crowded parking lot turned into a place where people gather to take pics, to be fully happy about one’s achievement. where good times happened, wtf the next.