Sometimes, there are two other Tasha+s in my head. Should I name them then identify their characteristics, to be aware which one is taking control? I’m aware of this since I was in JHS, the other Tasha+s help me to consider, decide, and discuss unanswered 5W+1H questions before I ask people outside my head.

Perhaps, that’s the main concept of intrapersonal communication. You talk and answer to yourself. Well, it’s thinking. Nothing weird or scary about it. That’s how you process information around you.

But hey, naming them seems fun.

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Equal

I see you like a person I used to be.
The one in the phase, that I was proud of.

I forgot why I changed.
Maybe I was bored,
maybe I wasn’t feeling enough with myself.
Maybe I was afraid of the stagnancy
and being trapped in the same sequence.
The fear of self-insuperación.

But you are better than I was, of course.
And somehow,
I’m feeling much better than I was.
Then our better self, met.
After several talks,
you make me feel like improving myself.
I learned a lot,
and I love learning,
and I’m looking for my equal.

Then I found you.

Or maybe,
won’t be equal-equal.
Because I learned from you,
and I hope somehow you do too, from me.
We can be equal of each other’s superiority
and uniqueness.

We’re equal
because we both learn from each other,
not because we’re the same,
having a mutual expertise,
that will lead to overlapping.

The equality comes
from the expertise we carried.
To become similarly different.
So we can cooperate in our similarity and
have things to talk about in our differences,
through questions.

To strengthen the connection
as we develop mutual understanding
and collective knowledge.

That’s why
your presence
means so much
to me.

Hunter X Hunter – Angin: Kontemplasi Siang Bolong

Apa kau dengar
Suara angin yang berhembus
Di muka bumi
Bangkit kenangan
Di masa lalu

Apakah yang berada di sana
Di ujung awan yang berarah
Ku tahu masa depan
Telah menantimu di balik hutan ini

Selamat jalan
Jangan kembali lagi dan teruslah melangkah
Percayalah
Gejolak dalam dada
Kan jadi kekuatan

Suara langkahmu
Yang tengah berlari kencang
Sendiri kan kucari
Di tengah angin ini

Suara angin seperti cahaya yang mulai terlihat di ujung terowongan panjang yang gelap. Cahaya yang membuat lega karena akhir dari perjalanan kian terlihat. Meskipun masih samar-samar atas apa yang ada di depan, paling tidak beberapa beban akan lepas dan waktu istirahat sejenak akan tiba. Membuat ia yang-sedang-berusaha terkenang atas perjalanan yang telah dilewati hingga sampai ke titik ini.

Ia yakin menuju arah yang tepat karena telah mengikuti prosedur dengan baik. Rasanya, ini seperti Jatinangor. Kalau Hunter X Hunter menggunakan hutan sebagai area belajar, aku dan orang-orang di sana dikelilingi bukit dan gunung. Lagu ini seperti menggerakkan pendengarnya untuk menyongsong masa depan. Terdengar mudah, bukan? Tapi bukankah masa depan, bisa dilihat bahkan satu detik setelah detik ini. Jadi apa itu masa depan?

Seakan Unpad melepaskan kepergian para sarjana. “Jangan kembali lagi dan teruslah melangkah” aku anggap bukan sebagai pengusiran secara halus untuk tidak kembali, melainkan dengan kasar menyadarkan bahwa “Kamu gak akan bisa balik lagi jadi mahasiswa baru dengan pola pikir, keterbatasan ilmu, dan nilai-nilai seperti dulu. Kamu akan terus berubah setiap harinya dan gak ada jalan untuk kembali.”

Kalau kata Yana, “We can’t reset life”. Kalau kata Acha, “That’s why we can’t always buy new things or simply throw it away and have nothing. We have to fix broken things to make it useful and worth again. Becuase sometimes, it’s the only way to keep on living a decent life.”

Percayalah. Saat percaya, bahkan sekecil apapun rasa percaya itu, percaya dapat membawamu ke tujuan yang diinginkan. Gejolak dalam dada merupakan semangat pantang menyerah, kesenangan, kepedulian, kesedihan, ketakutan, kebingungan, dan segala hal yang dipikirkan dan dirasakan. Menjadikan kamu, dirimu yang sekarang.

Lalu pada akhirnya kita sendiri yang menentukan secepat apa kita berjalan, seberisik apa langkah kaki kita, apakah kita akan melanjutkan perjalanan atau malah berhenti karena terpukau cahaya di kejauhan, yang sebenarnya bisa dicapai namun rasa takut yang menguasai lebih besar. Alangkah menyenangkan bila bisa mendapat teman dalam perjalanan. Teman yang memotivasi dan menunggu di depan, yang berlari di samping menemani berbincang, juga yang di belakang membuat lega karena tidak sendiri. Untuk setelahnya, dapat menjadi teman selamanya dalam mengarungi perjalanan selanjutnya.

Answer

The answer of a challenge that was given for me has been leaked out. Yesterday, i gave series of possible answers as i oftentimes think about possibilities that may happen, through various moods that may attach to the message. But, this morning i thought it over and over. Then i found something had missed while i was creating the map. The map he intended is in maze form. So, i recreated the map to find AN answer. Broke the components down, arranged them based on the receiving time. The first statement, the second, and so on.

My own maze finished in 30 minutes. The conclusion i got is… Wow. I’m afraid to put it into words as reaching his core of thinking is shielded by walls and maze, that really excites me to tear it down and finding a way to reach the middle. But it’s still a daydreaming assumption, as he’s hiding his Instastories from me, hiding me as he never seen on viewers list since i’m in Depok, also didn’t respond my chat about that possibilities. Did i do wrong? My negative side (that colonizing me lately) said that he might don’t want me to try knowing him anymore. I don’t know, i don’t wanna create another assumption before we meet again. Tho i know that he won’t cut people easily, needs more time than others to process certain things, ponders before telling any statements or stories to prevent half-baked information, but who knows. Hence, let the conclusion felt and saved the words in the temporary chest.

ENFP’s Soulmate

It’s kinda silly to believe this pseudo-science, as my friends in college who took psychology as their major, told me that there are no credible and valid proofs about the MBTI thingy. But have you ever felt so connected with an unrealistic thing? There! Maybe this one is included. So, I’m happy to talk about MBTI. Read the explanation from the web, I laughed. It touched me. Here’s the screenshot.

source

See? My previous posts explained his traits and this one above, has almost covered them all in one paragraph. How could I not laugh? I unintended found the link on Pinterest and the title attracted me. Was it some kind of coincidence or what?

Last week, he gave me a topic to solve. I needed to make a thinking map about what he intended to say to me, as he’s Mr. Subtle & Ambiguity who rarely explains in the literal meaning. The challenge he offered truly thrilled me on. But my ability to explore more, observe deep, and become super sensitive to gather the information I need in building the map, have to be held. I’m the one who holds it until now, too afraid to be hurt, too fragile to accept the reality if it doesn’t bring any good vibes.

I’m at the stage where sleepless night is my best time to focus on doing my priority. I may not sensitive to my surroundings but I’m too sensitive to myself, and his everything is one of the triggers for my internal sensitivity. His sadness, his happiness, his voice, somehow created the various moods for me. Also, about this and that related to my priority, take the most on affecting my mood. At the same time, I tend to be quiet, pull myself from human contact, especially to do a deep talk in person. I’m more comfortable to talk through the chat or call. But as a social person who loves to hang out and surround myself with the crowd, I don’t refuse to have two or three hours of laughing and chatting socially. Seems paradox, huh? I know, welcome to my world. It’s confusing, even for me.

As a person who is mood-driven, I try to keep my mood stable so I can do my priority and meet the deadline I made. Though it’s hard, I keep on trying and look what I’ve become!

I found an article about MBTI that explains this trait, again I overwhelmed. The explanation about ENFPs and stress on The ENFP Under Stress section tells a lot about what happened to me in past few months. Even though not all the explanation feels right, but some of them are. The closest condition I’m aware of is my post about feeling blandness, lack of focus on practical things, short-time pleasure and sadness, etc. Here’s the section I quoted:

When ENFPs become stressed, their normally friendly and cheerful natures turn irritable, emotional, defensive and reactive. They often feel overwhelmed, struggle to communicate, shut out other people and reject new ideas.

Feeling trapped, out of control and unable to find a way out, they can become extremely critical of others, lashing out, blaming and finding fault with everything and everyone as they try to regain control. For some ENFPs, this can develop into a focus on routine and order, and a strict demand that everything is done their way.

ENFPs under stress also fail to see any fault in themselves. They deceive themselves as a way of coping, pretending that they are not at fault. Eventually, however, they can feel hopeless and depressed as their energy turns inward and they begin to feel numb inside.

This normally energetic type also feels the effects of stress physically, becoming exhausted and suffering from fatigue. Their tendency to give too much and do too much can make them neglect their own needs for sleep, rest and relaxation.

Unfortunately, this type is the least likely to recognize when stress has affected them and it’s only when they become ill or a crisis occurs that they realize how stressed out they’ve become.

source

Then, I was thinking about the reasons why things happened. Fortunately, I finally cracked some of my own code. The sudden responses from my body, either physical, thinking, or hormonal may driven by a psychological unstable condition. Which, (perhaps) has a tendency driven by my personality. I don’t even sure that my viewpoint about this is right or wrong, but it’s the best logic I can think about. Perhaps if someone by chance read this post and has a better explanation (theory included will be cool), I’d love to read and discuss. 

Menangislah, tidak apa-apa

Malam minggu di Jalan Riau, seorang sahabat bertanya padaku tentang apa dirinya sebenarnya. Apakah ia titik, koma, sekumpulan paradoks, tanda tanya, atau apa. Aku bingung harus jawab apa. Bukan karena ia bukan siapa-siapa, tapi karena aku gak bisa menemukan kata yang cocok untuk konteks yang ia maksud. Jadi aku hanya menjawab, “Aku gak tau, yang aku tau adalah aku nyaman berteman denganmu. Berbagi cerita, menertawai dunia, dan lainnya.” Ternyata ia memikirkan hal tersebut, terutama pertanyaannya yang belum terjawab. Ia mengunggah fotonya yang diambil olehku, lalu menuliskan caption yang kurang lebih sama dengan pertanyaannya. Aku memberi komentar. Lalu ia menge-chat via LINE, “Ku menangis baca komen ig mu,” katanya.

Beberapa jam sebelumnya, Continue reading “Menangislah, tidak apa-apa”

Self-Love

A good friend of mine, named Annisa Tiara, posted series of Instastories on her account about self-love. The positive topic to think about for today, makes me feel at ease. Though the points she talked about can be appended or tolerated based on each person’s condition, in general it’s inspiring and motivating.

Woke up at 06:30 from a deep sleep and delusive headache after diving in thoughts about abstract concept of life, time, affection, grieving, and the possibility of the future. The thoughts came like a storm after hearing a heartbreaking news about another good friend’s sudden heavy-loss. The thoughts got deeper after I saw her crying in my embrace, when my friends and I brought her bag and luggage.

So, these are some points from Nisa’s May 2nd Thought of The Day I scripted:

1. Because loving yourself is hard
We like getting compliments as a human being because it justifies ourselves, our existence. That makes us feel desirable, because we don’t love ourselves basically.

2. Because loving yourself is hard
Another reaction is when you say to other people that their compliment is bullshit is obviously the result of you not loving or appreciating yourself as much as other people.

3. Accepted by society
Then to any compliments, like other normal human beings, our reactions probably “Thank you” and just to stay humble because we want to be accepted as a normal people within our society.

4. Us vs society
Because “The feeling of acceptance is the basic need of human beings,” says Abraham Maslow. But then, it’s really funny or ironic that we let other people accept us but we don’t accept ourselves.

5. Lack of self-love
Therefore, it makes perfect sense why we tend to make other people our home. And when that person leave, we feel like shit. Because basically we lack of self-esteem and self-love.

6. The point
You have to be able to love yourself independently before you start loving other people, because you have to make a home for yourself.

All rights reserved, Annisa Tiara Yuherawan, 2018

May Day

Pernah liat dokumentasi kegiatan di @POST_santa tentang menulis suka-suka berupa puisi, cerita pendek, dan lain-lain yang merupakan interpretasi dari photobook berjudul InTransit:23 karya Fransisca Angela. Ketertarikan itu aku bagi di twitter dan coba minta dikabari kalo ada yang punya photobook untuk dipinjam. Karena gak ada yang bilang-bilang, akhirnya terlupa. Kemarin (30/4) liat ada photobook Diana F+ More True Tales & Short Stories di KUNST House. Setelah izin sama Galih (sebagai empunya) untuk dibawa balik ke kosan, aku berencana merayakan Hari Buruh ini dengan bikin puisi, cerita pendek, dan lain-lain yang terinspirasi dari photobook. Ini bukunya:

2018-05-02 07.04.48 1.jpg
Society of Lomographers. Diana F+ : More True Tales & Short Stories. 2007. Vienna: Lomographic Society International.

Gak semua foto dikembangkan, hanya beberapa yang menurutku menarik:

Continue reading “May Day”

20-ish

a brief contemplation on a wooden chair in a small-yellowish-white coffee shop, waiting for my fish and chips to be served. written in warm summer mood. when it finally served:

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Fish and Friends, 30k, KUNST House Jatinangor

you’re an awful liar if this tasty look isn’t mouthwatering for you.

Continue reading “20-ish”