Dear Mas

It’s funny how we used to be “adek-kakak” for the sake of using “aku-kamu” and now the term has shifted to “mas” to mimic your sister, as well as the feeling I had,  has gone for good. Instead, it turned into something beyond. The most genuine I’ve known my whole life, when I only want you to have the best of the best, to do what you desired, be there when you need without being selfless, being open as we become a super best friends like family. Your inspiring bunda feels like mine, your lil’ sister matches my spirit animal.

Thank you Mas for everything. For years you taught me how to be strong, to recognize feelings I hardly understand by the aching in my chest, invited me to whatever projects you held, gave me chances to grow and develop myself, let me have a spot in your life.

You were my inspiration to write, my motivation to learn about short movie production, to express myself, to keep on smiling, etc. Those things internalized and became some things I enjoy. You might be the one who lit the fire, but I’m the one who keeps it alive. You’re the reason why I started, but I’m the reason why I keep going.

Hope you’ll never burn our bridge that has built for years, because I won’t let anyone who came and ever stayed, leave. Once you live in me, you’ll be there forever. Even if one day someone builds a home in me, everyone will still have their place. My heart is quite big to love them all, that’s why I do Priority. Who’s mattered come first. Looking forward to our extraordinary journey ahead! The challenges, mysteries to be solved, things to be made, knowledge to be delivered, etc. Wish you’ll get tons of luck!

Happy birthday,
Love you, but in a different way.

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Why me?

I love how people can see through me. Acknowledge my potential, define me in their life, even if they want, put me on their priority list. I love how they can tell something I don’t know or realize, even encourage me to feel what I assumed unrequited as it turns out our feelings are mutual.

It’s simply because it was so tiring to do things alone, to feel some things alone, to fight alone. I rarely feel lonely or sad, as blooming flowers in a pot can bring excitement, summer breeze in a bright morning triggered an unstoppable smile. But when I reviewed what happened that day or that week or that month, I often found myself alone. If everything was supportive and so on, I could just sleep until the sun arose from the back of the east side. If it wasn’t, I might have trouble to sleep or wake up with a clear mind.

Days already have shits, it’s not my job to make them worse.

11:11

Kepada Si Pengelana,

Mungkin kamu gak sadar udah jadi pohon yang besar dan kuat di dalam diri, dengan prinsip-prinsip yang dipegang hingga kini. Prinsip besar yang bercabang, membuat tendensi sebab dari satu hal mengerucut namun dalam beberapa. Entah dari poin mana yang membuatmu jadi seperti sekarang, tolong jangan bakar jembatannya. Meskipun telah sepi, tapi sesekali bisa dilewati. Aku gak pernah menyesal telah belajar. Terima kasih atas semuanya.

Ya, semuanya. Ingat kan aku pernah bilang sangat bersyukur atas kedatanganmu pada tahun terakhirku di dunia mahasiswa ini? Meskipun yang lain berubah, rasa syukur itu enggak. Seperti angka kembar yang diindikasikan membawa keberuntungan, hal-hal yang terjadi aku anggap sebagai bagian dari itu. Meskipun kamu gak percaya takhayul, toh gak ada salahnya untuk tetap optimis tentang kebaikan dan keberuntungan yang akan datang (dengan tetap bergerak, berpikir, berusaha, berproses untuk jadi lebih).

Selamat ulang tahun kamu, semoga damai.

T’s Ideal Sunday

I imagined that this weekend would be used to sleep all day, as I ruined my sleep schedule in past two weeks. But as Mas Reno said “You won’t have a good night’s sleep after graduating, Cha. You gotta work your ass off till you’ve reached your limit and be satisfied with the result.” Here I am at 5:30 a.m., on my way to Studio 5 at Antasari Street. I’ll do commercial product photoshoot as a Brand Manager’s assistant. Set the needed properties, associated to build style’s mood, timekeeper, and make sure every detail are checked.

So instead of having pity on myself, I’d like to create a list about how the perfect Tasha’s weekend probably going.

– Cool weather. Yea if one asks me which one would I choose between sunny or rainy season, I’d answer rainy but to be honest I can’t choose because sunny season creates joy, grows numerous colorful flowers especially sunflowers, and no wet streets anywhere, but sometimes it’s too hot to be outside. While rainy season creates contentment, the perfect reason to stay at home.
– Someone to talk to. Yup, about everything he/she knows, their interest, to find another perspective, exchange values, get inspiration, their struggle to learn from, understand one’s thought through conversation, to define the undefined, opening the closed door.
– Movie marathon. It’d be great to do with the closest.
– Slices of apple, pressed orange, mashed banana.
– Discover new things, meet new people.
– Going on an adventure
– Strolling at city park
– Sipping coffee or tea, enjoying its relaxing smell. Thank god my new Earl Grey Tea, with the combination of black tea, lime, and bergamot smells so damn good. Still looking for a favorite perfume to use, leaving a trace of my smell in every place I walk on, creating memories with people I talk with, reinforcing my identity among people around.

Dear Self

Dear Acha,

Happy graduation. I heard that you experienced a super sad condition because of memories about people from your past, and how you felt so small compared to them.

Well, we can’t completely erase what happened, nor change it. They’ve got their own path, you’ve got yours.I

It’s okay if we can’t change the past. It happened, let it be. You’ll have another day to start, to create new memories, chase your ongoing dreams, heighten your qualities, aim your careers, meet your possibilities, take your chances, embrace new feelings. THERE ARE LOTS OF IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO CHA. BE BRAVE.

We, people, are changing constantly. Change to be the best of you, Cha. You don’t have to only start a new chapter. Instead, start a new book.

Good luck my love, my dear-self.

Mood Turbulence

I have no idea what happened to me on Wed, Thu, and Fri. A week before the D-Day, I had super low self-esteem. I felt like a crap who got no purpose in life. I felt like no one cares about my existence. Like I was only a bunch of bloodstream, bones, fats, meats, connected, organized, functioned as it is. A formality with no value attached. Perhaps, it was the result of realizing what has happened between me and some people from the past. Why the hell I was so melancholic about days before today? Was it because past is absolute, as no one can change it?

Continue reading “Mood Turbulence”

Highlight Wisuda

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“Sumpah bukan Acha banget. Acha tuh hitam, biru dongker, biru muda, abu-abu.” – Orang-orang

Selamat tanggal 8 November!

Sebagai petugas protokol yang kadang bertugas di acara wisuda, jadi peserta yang mengikuti prosesi dan melihat para petugas, membangkitkan kenangan masa-masa bangun sebelum subuh, bersiap, berangkat ke Unpad Dipatiukur, final preparation, apel pagi, GR, sesi pagi, istirahat, apel siang, sesi siang, istirahat, evaluasi, pulang. Melihat akang teteh berbalut toga biru, merah, hijau, dan biru dongker dari dalam Granus, yang berbaris di depannya sambil menunggu giliran dipanggil memasuki aula. Sekarang jadi pihak yang pakai kebaya dan toga merah, yang menunggu dipanggil memasuki aula. Rasanya lucu gimana waktu berjalan begitu cepat. Dari segala prosesi datang hingga selesai, gue meng-highlight beberapa hal: Continue reading “Highlight Wisuda”

Metromini Hari Jumat

Jumat kali ini, aku pulang naik Metromini. Waktu tidak sedang mengejar, begitu pula menggencet. Jadi, kuputuskan melambaikan tangan pada bus merah biru tujuan Pasar Minggu. Aku penasaran dan merasa tertantang.

Ini Jumat malam, waktu orang-orang pulang cepat untuk bertemu keluarga atau hang out bersama teman-teman. Bercengkerama tentang ini dan itu, melepaskan beban seminggu lalu. Tapi aku malah memilih naik kendaraan semi terbuka dengan bangku plastik usang dan keras, menikmati suara mesin tua meraung padahal sedang berjalan lambat, memandang kerlipan lampu merah belakang kendaraan yang berebut masuk jalur bebas hambat. Padahal tahu bahwa waktu yang dibutuhkan akan lebih panjang, sendiri.

Untuk memperkaya sensasi yang baru pertama dialami, sekalian saja beli kudapan ringan dua ribuan yang dibungkus kecil-kecil. Ah sial, saat menoleh ingin memfotonya, si penjual malah turun. Aku yakin kok, sebenarnya harga jajanan itu seribuan. Tapi karena aku terlanjur bilang cari yang sebungkus dua ribu, otak cerdiknya langsung bilang “iya iya pilih aja dua ribu.” Biarlah.

Rasanya… Gini deh, kamu berharap apa dari snek duaribuan? Selama mengunyah, terngiang kalimat seorang teman “Gue selalu berusaha ngabisin apa yang gue beli.” Sebuah cerminan dari tanggung jawab yang dulu kuanggap serius, sekarang kujadikan santai. Mungkin karena lihat teman-teman kurus punya kebiasaan makan gak habis? Bisa jadi. Hhh mudah terpengaruh, sepertinya aku harus pilih-pilih lingkungan agar tidak mudah memaklumi beberapa hal.

Kenek ibu-ibu dengan asumsi istri si pak supir mulai berkeliling meminta ongkos para penumpang. Kecleng… Kecleng… Kurang lebih begitu suara koin-koin yang beradu dalam kepalan tangan. Si ibu lewat ke belakang, kembali ke depan.  Kurebahkan kepala sedikit, tiba-tiba terlelap, bangun-bangun hampir sampai tujuan. Ahh nikmatnya.

Kata teman yang lain, dapat tidur merupakan salah satu nikmat dunia yang patut disyukuri. Begitu pula dengan kemudahan memahami orang lain, mampu berempati hingga tidak mudah menghakimi, menerima keadaan diri, dan lain-lain.

Uty, whom I admired

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Meeting with Uty was incredible. We always meet in sudden occurrences, having a short and full understanding of each other. No burdens to talk about e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. The one whom I admire and respect since our KKN days in Ciranjeng for her bluntness, her effortless traits, her sincerity, her wild habit but got the attitude and family-oriented girl. From the talk we did, she stated:

“You perceive everything is fun, Cha.”

Well, I didn’t realize that I became a girl who’s passionate about doing what’s fun. Tho I often said that I do what I love, I didn’t know that people realize of me. I thought they only care with their sh*ts. To grasp that someone is comfortable with my presence, appreciates my being, accepts who I am, my excitement, my flaws, my perplexity, somehow heightens my self-love and self-worth. Without judgment, the way she responded me was effin’ good which I’d pay the same prize to her.

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About her statement: indeed. People may see me love everything and everyone, tho I’m not. I have things and people I’m not comfortable with and tend to avoid them instead of showing no respect. I respect one’s existence and fully aware that we’re having distinct events and cases in our past that shaped into who we are. It related to how we respond things, what we like and don’t like. The awareness turned me into someone who let anyone do what they like, as I do what I like. I encourage them to get what their heart wants, as I encourage mine. It’s them to choose, it’s them who set their limit and I do nothing about it. I may show my standpoint without trying to push them to agree. It’s them to decide.

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At the end of the day, she went to her office while I’m staying at Mimiti to do some works before going back to Depok. The blessed feeling after meeting Uty strengthened by Mimiti’s coffee smell all over the room. I ordered Americano and Soft Choco Cheese Brownies, surprisingly very satisfied with their servings. Its decent Americano has a strong aftertaste with no bitter left, proved they take it seriously.

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Bonus:
“Cha, you can see something in people that others can’t.”
“I’ve heard it a lot.”

Bandung Beruntung

Bandung beruntung, ia dicintai penduduknya. Hingga pendatang penasaran ada apa di dalamnya. Saat mereka datang, merekapun jatuh cinta hingga waktunya mereka pergi. Beberapa yang bertandang sebentarpun paham mengapa Bandung patut dicintai.

Bandung beruntung, ia dicintai penduduknya, para pendatang, hingga mereka yang baru mengenal permukaannya — kecuali di akhir pekan.

24 Oktober 2018
Bandung

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Travel membawaku dari Depok ke Bandung. Begitu turun, aku heran bagaimana kota ini bisa menyejukkan di waktu tanggung antara pagi dan siang. Ternyata, ia memang menyenangkan dan apa adanya.